For a few minutes, I was at a loss of words,
Not due to surprise or lethologica,
Because it eventually happened:
Reality finally struck!
With pain, I watched everything crumble
In a different picture, I saw the one I have blindly grown so fond of
Looking at me with a face full of scorn and hate,
Never have I felt so broken.
What happened to those days
When you’d come home with a smile on your face?
What happened to those words
Full of love and warmth?
Now, I wonder
If this was the same man I fell in love with.
All along, it had been a fantasy
With a hard hit, you brought me to reality.
Times like this, I just want to crawl into a hole
Create as many scars as possible,
Close my eyes and hopefully disappear.
Open them again to try closing them forever
At this point, nothing seems worthy
Not even I to myself
The same you who made me love myself
Got me hating my skin, even to irritation.
Trust me, I should have known better
But then, it took just five words
To make me yearn for you and all of you
“Let me make you better.”
For the times you tried making me better
For the times I had the invisible blindfold
You got to know the deepest of my weaknesses
Then half a year later, use them against me
Never have I had this sudden urge to leave
But in this situation, I need it badly
I want to be the girl I was before
But I’m not sure I’d be that girl or the obsolete creature
I succeeded in breaking free physically
Emotionally, not so much luck
Even though I knew you were on the run for me
I tried my possible best not to slow down
Like the prodigal son, I saw myself
Walking into my father’s house
Memories of my last time here hitting me hard
The look of disappointment on Joe’s face came like a flash
I thought of turning back
But I had nowhere to go
With my feet on the doormat
I opened myself to yet another trauma
I expected Pops to chase me out
All I got was a blank stare
I thought my lil sis would run into my arms
But it seemed like she had no idea who I was
I had no idea which one hurts the more
The people I’ve spent two decades of my life with
Looking at me like a stranger stormed into their home
Or my so-called Prince Charming being Lucifer in disguise
It’s hard letting go of the memories
It’s hard trying to act numb
When I try numbing the pain, it comes back worse:
Then I look around me
I have friends but do they really care?
I have a family but they don’t know
I am not that ray of sunshine anymore
Pops warmed up to me
Tried his best to make me feel like his babe
Joe seems to have noticed me now
Hanging around to make sure I don’t do anything silly
The vibes I give is just to make them happy
At this point, my happiness does not matter
Nor ever, I guess
With these familiar people surrounding me
I have this yearn to rise and dance
But nothing comes easy
I guess to love again won’t come easy
“This too shall pass”
I heard it somewhere
I really want to believe it
So I will.