Category Archives: Comedy

ENG 116 PUTS ME IN TROUBLE: By Opeyemi Adesokan

Opeyemi writes; FACTION
As I went home for Easter, I met a old friend of mine who studies English in OAU. She is in 100level too, she does Introduction to Language but she never understands the course. When she said, ‘Only human beings use language and only human beings communicate,’ I strongly disagreed. Then I told her that according to my lecturers, Dr Alimi and Adepoju, everything in this life could communicate. Table communicates, a class room communicates, animal communicates, food communicates.

The problem actually began when she asked, ‘does human body communicate?’ I wanted to say ‘Yes’ but she went closer to the door, shadowed if anyone was at sight, closed evey nook and crannies that could be oblivion, came back to where I was seated and stripped of herself nakedly. She, then, asked ‘Do I communicate to you now?’ My mouth was shut up with two seductive kisses. We pushed the ‘Language and Linguistics’ textbook aside, followed were some relishing caresses and we began to communicate with romance. I wanted to stop that kind of communication but that was out of my control. Out of stupid ‘Eng 116’, out of blinded emotion, I gave in completely. All I saw were the glossy laps of hers resting tentatively on my shoulder that went up and down like a bicycle pump. On Easter Monday, I met that my friend again, her stomach was protruding and I was scared that I had to ask her what went wrong.

She said, ‘Don’t you know that my stomach is communicating?’ Apparently, I knew what she meant; she was pregnant. How, why and when questions paraded my mind. I knew it was all my fault but actually it was Dr Adepoju and Alimi that propelled it. When I got to school that very Tuesday we resumed, I went to Dr Apepoju’s office, naked myself in his office, dangled left and right like a pendulum then I said with seethed annoyance, ‘You must explain how I communicate!’ He looked at me and said, ‘Well, your communication shows Madness.’ Head broken, glasses fallen, neck strangled, I cleaned him off further transgression.

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SON SUES PARENTS FOR DESTROYING HIS “PORN” COLLECTION

• A 40-year-old man is suing his parents for destroying his pornography collection, which was so large it filled a dozen moving boxes.

• His parents discovered the materials after he was removed from their home for unspecified reasons.

source : BIZPAC review

• He is seeking a $90,000 compensatory award in federal court.

A 40-year-old Indiana man is suing his parents in federal court for destroying his gargantuan collection of pornography, the value of which he placed at $30,000.

In the interest of privacy, The Daily Caller News Foundation has chosen not to publish the lawsuit itself, or identify those involved.

HERE’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING …

“We counted twelve moving boxes full of pornography plus two boxes of sex toys as you call them,” the defendant wrote in a January 2018 email to his son, the plaintiff. “We began that day the process of destroying them and it took quite a while to do so.”

Among the plaintiff’s materials were videos depicting bestiality, incest, rape, torture and urination. An itemized list of titles, sex toys and other possessions appended to the lawsuit runs 17 pages.

The dispute began in August 2017, when the plaintiff was expelled from the family home for unspecified reasons. Documents appended to the lawsuit indicate the plaintiff was removed from the premises by local authorities. The plaintiff lived with his parents for a 10-month period following his divorce. He was intermittently homeless before moving in with the defendants.

Email traffic exchanged between the parties shows that the defendants discovered and destroyed the pornography collection shortly after the plaintiff was barred from the house. Sporadic communication continued through 2018.

“I find your whole attitude toward women to be very disturbing,” the defendant wrote in a January 2018 email. “Women are not objects for you to masturbate with, they are people created by God just as you were and should be treated with respect and dignity.”

“Believe it or not, one reason for why I destroyed your porn was for your own mental and emotional heath,” the defendant added. “I would have done the same if I had found a kilo of crack cocaine. Someday, I hope you will understand.”

For his part, the plaintiff claimed his parents were distorting the sequence of events. By his telling, the plaintiff shared his intentions to bring pornography into the family home over dinner in 2015. Whatever moral outrage his parents felt at the material, the plaintiff continued, destruction of property was not the proper course.

MAN CAUGHT DRESSED LIKE A WOMAN TO STEAL PANTIES IN GIRL’S HOSTEL. see details

A young man has been caught after he disguised himself as a girl so he can steal panties at Ekiti State University.

Source: GBAMLOG.com

A video has emerged showing the moment a young man was paraded after being caught disguising as a girl.

Local reports show that the incident happened at the Ekiti State University.

The young man reportedly went into the school disguised as a girl so that he can steal panties belonging to female students.

However, while at it, he was apprehended and handed over to security officials.

The NEW COMER IN MY CLASS

THE NEW COMER IN MY CLASS
*
I was teaching Literature when Ebube Musheme came into the class. Ebube was the most hunky student I had ever seen. He was tall and fat simultaneously like someone who had carried weight all through his life. Ebube’s voice alone could make a timorous student cry and make an elderly person run helter skelter. Ebube’s chests were bouncy and hefty. I always thought I was huge but Ebube proved that thought wrong.
When he came into the class, I thought he was a teacher and I started introducing him to all the seated students. As I told him to go to the staff room to greet the remaining teachers, he laughed tauntingly and said, ” I am a student sir. Where should I sit?”
I never believed Ebube was a student till he showed me his books and materials. I ordered him to sit at the back, since the front space had been occupied, and I continued my teaching. The next thing that happened was that, one of the students sitting at the back raised his hand. I thought he wanted to ask questions not knowing he wanted to report. He said, “Uncle, Ebube broke my pen.” I wondered how could a 10 mins new comer commit such atrocity. I kept the little boy shut, ignored his report then continued with my teaching. Another girl raised her hand from the back seat.
“Yes, any questions?”, I asked. ” Sir, Ebube stepped on me intentionally,” she said.
That time around, I was vexed. I
commanded Ebube to stand then I said, ‘Ebu! Eb! Ebube, what happened nah? You should respect yourself o. Why are you troubling them?’
‘No mind them Jare, they no wan no play. I go give them slap now if they report again’, Ebube said with a masculine voice.
‘If they report you again, I may be forced to discipline you, too. Is that understood?’ I said annoyingly.
‘Uncle, shey you dey whine me ni? Nah you wan beat me abi? Let’s see. If they born them well, may them report,’ Ebube said disrespectedly. I was afraid deep within me. I did as if I didn’t hear what Ebube said even though other students exclaimed; ‘Ah! Uncle, don’t you hear him?’
My prayer was that, no students should report him again till I finished my Literature class and get out. As I was
rushing my lectures, a stupid boy whose name I still remember, Ibrahim, raised his hand from the back.
‘Uncleeeee! Ebube poured ink on my new school uniform. My mummy will kill me.’ Pa! Pa! Ebube lashed him slaps. Glasses fell from my eyes, piece of chalk thrown down, then I moved closer to Ebube with fears in my heart, I successfully returned the two slaps. Ebube came out of the tightened chair, his eyes reddened with revenge, drew nearer to me, sniffed in terror, then….
*

Episode continues!

*Baba Ijebu* By Chiedozie Ude

*’Mama and papa dem they play baba Ijebu,’ unknown singer.*

I see myself as a pretty smart guy, but there is one thing I have never been able to figure out. That one thing is the intricacies of the lottery game called ‘Baba Ijebu’. What baffles me the most about the game is how the so called uneducated men and women sit or rather stand in front of a wooden shack (they never use a good shop, and I have no idea why because I feel they should be millionaires since they say it’s very lucrative) where the game is being played and delicately perform staggering feats of calculation. They would mention so many numbers and be like ‘Ele ma wole’ (this one go enter). If only they paid close attention to mathematics while at school, I guess Nigeria could have been a Nation with a plethora of world class mathematicians.

Where did I enter this madness? Yesterday, yes, just yesterday, a close friend of mine called me from his place of work, and told me that he was about to send some numbers to me, and that I should go and place a bet on them because he could not leave work to do so. Being naturally paranoid and difficult, I said no at first because I do not gamble and secondly because I’ve known this dude for seven years and we’ve never done something like this. But after a long conversation on the phone, I agreed to his harebrained scheme because he declared his coworker allegedly saw some numbers in his dream, and also, winning was certain. So, I reluctantly decided to sacrifice my DEAR HUNDRED NAIRA note.

‘Walahi, if this game no enter, you go refund me,’ I said. ‘Shame no gree me go vendor play am’ so I sent someone else to place the bet for me. As fate would have it, the person also did not understand the intricacies of the game.

This evening, I received a call and my friend said ‘Omo, two numbers enter o, we don chop 4k,’ I was like wow, let’s go and cash out and my guy jokingly said he’d refund the money I used to play it. ‘Ogbeni, no play rough play with me,’ I said, narrowing my eyes dangerously.

We cashed out, split the money and immediately, another man came to meet us saying ‘my dear brothers, I see numbers for dream’.

Chai!! Nigerians
Lol, that one na for him pocket, “money wey we just win u want make we invest am again. We no do, thank you”

Six-Year-Old Boy From Mizoram Runs Over Chicken Accidentally, Rushes it to Hospital

A young boy in Mizoram accidentally ran over his neighbors chicken with his bicycle, and immediately cycled it to the nearest hospital.

Six-Year-Old Boy From Mizoram Runs Over Chicken Accidentally, Rushes it to Hospital

“Too pure for the world,” is something we often designate to dogs and children, as their innocent acts often turn out to be something you don’t see on an everyday basis.

A boy from Sairang, Mizoram is being hailed for the same reason.

In a Facebook post, a user narrated how a young Mizo boy had accidentally run over his neighbour’s chicken while cycling.

Sanga Says, the user, posted a picture of the boy at the hospital, with chicken in one hand, and a few Indian currency notes in the other.

The post is captioned, “As per Reports: This young boy from Sairang, Mizoram, accidentally ran over his neighbour’s chicken with his cycle. He took the chicken, ran to the nearby hospital and with all the money he had, asked for help. (I’m laughing and crying all at the same time).”

The picture has since then gone viral, because of the ‘pure innocent’ look on the boy’s face, and how the absolute guilt he seems to be facing.

With close to 90k shares and over a lakh likes, the Internet cannot stop gushing over the boy and his redemptive act.

After the post went viral, the boy has been identified as Derek C Lalchhanhima.

Dhiraj Chhetri, revealed to a North-east daily how his son came home with the neighbour’s chicken that he had accidentally run over, crying and begging his parents to take it to the hospital, without understanding that he had killed it.

His father asked him to go himself, and the boy did, with a 10 rupee note in his hand. Later he came back sobbing, saying that they didn’t help the chick but only took his picture. He vowed to go back with more money.

His parents finally had to break it to him about the death of the chick. His father also added that, he didn’t actually expect his son to go the hospital, and was surprised, but not displeased. “He’s always been a rather unique kid,” he said.

People in the comments section shared the same sentiment – of an act people would usually not do.

“Honesty, accountability and humility….society please do not kill it in this boy…” said an user.

Source: news18.com

Sex Between Minors

Police arrive at a scene of crime. [Source/Kenya Police/Twitter]

A 13-year-old boy has been arrested in Migori county for allegedly impregnating his girlfriend aged 15.

A 13-year-old boy has been arrested in Migori county for allegedly impregnating his girlfriend aged 15.

The two were nabbed on Sunday evening by police officers who were responding to calls from the girl’s mother who wanted the boy arrested for committing the offence.

They are both from Kakaro Village in Suna East Sub County.

Confirming the bizarre incident, Suna East Sub County Police Commander Mark Wanjala said that the two will be arraigned in court in due time.

He added that his officers are preparing charges against the minors which will be used to subject them to the law upon arraignment in court.The police boss told the Citizen Digital that they are being held at the Migori Police Station holding cells in the meantime.He called upon parents and the society to lend a hand in preventing cases of early pregnancies by offering guidance to the younger generation.This comes only weeks after a 13-year-old class one pupil was allegedly defiled and impregnated in Awendo sub could county, the same county.The girl who is mentally unstable was reportedly defiled by the riverside near her village by a man she could not directly identify.The incident was confirmed by Migori Police Commander Joseph Nthenge.Source: hivisasa.com