Category Archives: Short Stories

My Nightmare, my Loopholes 3: by Alim Barakat

Part Three.
‘No now, Ha! What would I tell Andrew?’
‘Why can’t you just let this boy go and stop deceiving him?
‘If you can’t advice me on what to do, no probs then.
‘I would honour Mr Davies invitation first and then, Andrew later.’
‘Please yourself. It is your matter.’
‘Na you sabi.’


'Dad what time did you say your fiancee will come?' 'Around 12' o clock. And yours?' 'She is coming in the evening. I tried to persuade her to come but she insisted. I don't want to do things against her wish, I really love her. 'But you should've been able to convince her and win. She is your to-be wife you know? Or haven't you talk to her about marriage?' 'Not really. We ain't in an hurry. But I have made her understand that this relationship will end well and marriage might happen.' 'Okay, good. As a husband, you must learn how to persuade your counter part.

My lady should arrive soon. Help me check what Laide is cooking.
‘Okay.’
Moments later…………………………….

'Knock. Knock. Knock.' 'Come in.' I came in. Appearing in the perfect outfit for such thrilling invitation, I shashayed into the room and hugged my fiance. He pecked me on my lips and rubbed me lightly. 'Good afternoon honey.' I said through my nose. 'Afternoon dear. Welcome to my humble abode.' He said, bending a little. ' Very beautiful.' I complimented.' 'Thanks. Let me introduce you to my son. Andrew! Andrew! Andrew! 'Sir.' he said approaching.

'My wife is.............' 'Oh blessing! What a surprise. He rushed at the dumbfounded me and pecked me. He was too excited to notice me and his father's facial expression. 'You didn't tell me you were coming this early. Thank you so much.....' 'Wait! Wait! Wait! What is happening? Andrew! This is my to-be wife that I have been telling you about.' 'What? Shit! Racheal! Will you speak?' 'Eerrrm, Eeerrm.' 'Ouch! Fuck mehn! So you are a tart? You are dating my father and I. 'Raaacheeel, Raaacheeeal. I never knew you were such an immoral girl. I thought you claimed you were pregnant? 'Yes. I'm. It is for you. I swear. I swear. I didn't know he is your son. I was only playing tricks on him.' 'Shut up! So you've been playing tricks on me, right? You've been sleeping with my father too. Who knows who else that is sleeping with you? Before you ruin our family. Please get out! Out! I say out!' I ran out, terrified. Unfortunately for me, rain had started falling. I wept. Clasping my hands together on my head in regret..........


'Racheal! Racheal! Which kain yeye sleep be this? 'Hnmmmm, hnmmm, uhnmmmmm. Ha! So it was a dream?' I woke up gasping for breath. 'Welcome Miss Josephine. Are you panting this heavily because of an ordinary dream? Shey person thief yah money for your dream ni or na masquerade dey chase you?' 'Blessing, you won't understand. It is more terrible than that.' 'Really? Narrate am make I hear.' 'I dreamt that I met............' My Nightmares, My Loopholes..

My Nightmare, My Loopholes 2. By Alim Barakat

Part Two.

‘The most fortunate thing about his encounter is that; his wife is dead and his son his not here in Nigeria but would come home soon, and his son has been pestering him to bring a wife home.’
‘Eeeh! Rachael, the researcher how you take know all these? The person wey you just meet yesterday.’
‘He told me na. He told me everything.’
‘Ehn ehn, did he say he would marry you?’
‘Haha, you too dey jump. He just said we should be friends for now. But if he should propose marriage my dear, my living here is numbered.’
‘Hmmm, Rachael, you asked for it and God don give you. I dey happy for you ooo . How you kon take meet?’
‘Na my Obi work ooo. Infact we met in a conflict. He is so polite and humble. Did I forget to tell you that he is handsome and rich too.’
‘What is his age?’
‘I know noooo. But as I dey look am, im no fit pass 40-45
‘That one no too bad I dey happy for you.’
‘Thank you dear. Just wish me well.’
‘I’ve always wished you dear.’ She said hugging me tightly.
‘I hope say you remember say Andrew dey come tomorrow.’
‘Hmmm na true, i go ask am which time he go kon visit me.’ ******************************************************************************

‘Hey sweet! Good evening.’
‘Evening. Welcome.’ I said jumping up from my sitting posture shockingly and rubbing my two palms sheepishly, looking straight at him; the part of his body my eyes met was his stomach. He was very tall.
‘Can I come in?’
‘Sure.’
‘What were you doing outside?’
‘Awaiting your presence.’
‘Oh ! Really. I’m here.’
‘Welcome. What should I offer you?’
‘Water, chilled.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah. Sure.’
I dashed in to my kitchen to get him water. I entered rubbing my body lustfully. Ha! this guy is so handsome and well built, I thought. Oh! His good looks and firm voice was delivering message to my instinct. I dashed out to serve him the water.
‘Here it is.’
‘Thanks. So how have you been? I hope you’ve been good. I bought some things for you. I hope you will like it.’ I clutched my heart firmly. Don’t ask me whether from falling maybe from dripping, I can’t fathom. I popped my eyes into the bag thrusted forward.
‘Wow! I exclaimed!’ A two beautiful and rare gowns, two bags and two pairs of shoes to match, two bloater hats and sets of jewelries.
‘Thank you so much. I love it! And I’m very grateful. Thanks so much.’ I said blushing.
‘I’m glad you love it. You see, I love you very much and I would do anything to make you happy.’
‘Hmmm, I see. What were you doing in the States?’
‘I’ve just completed my bachelors. So, I’m here to read further and manage my father’s company.
‘Wow! That’s really good. I never thought you’d be as serious as this. I must say.
‘Really? Why do you think so?’
‘Your pictures, the way you chat, your status updates and stuffs.’
‘Hahahaha. I also never thought you’d be as beautiful as this.’ He said running his fingers on my nose bone.
‘You ain’t photogenic. You look more beautiful looking at you physically, than in pictures. And i’m loving you more for that. He said moving closer to me. I didn’t try hard to stop the quick moves and the interlocking lips. The firm hands that ran from my shoulder down to my back, to my hands, my waist, to my breasts and then, to my butt. The motion was unstoppable, it laid down my back, flared up my skirt, shifted my pants and then, another organ was doing the job. I moaned and tweeted like the kowee bird.
‘Mehn! You are sweet! He said tucking in his prick and zipping up. He bent down and held my shoulder firmly, saying; ‘Trust me I love you and I won’t leave you.’ I nodded.


'Get me a glass of wine too.' 'Okay daddy.' 'Ehen Ehen, less I forget. You know you've been pestering me about getting married to another wife. I've finally find one.' 'Wow! Really? That's fantastic! Fantastic mehn!' 'Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she would be coming to visit us next tomorrow.' 'Wow! So fast! That's nice. I've got a girlfriend and I would like to introduce her to you.' 'Good. But I hope it is not a white lady that you are planning to marry.' 'Haha! No daddy. She isn't white. You would like her when you see her. I would tell her to also come next tomorrow. So it gonna be a house of merriment.' 'Wow! So fast? That's good. But don't loose focus. You know you are the one heading my company soon.' 'Dad! It is a two different issue; my love life and my career. 'Alright. So let's await Friday then.' 'Yah daddy!'


'Tell me more, baby girl!' Blessing exclaimed. 'Have you really thought about this issue?' 'Of course! I'm getting married to him and nothing is going to stop me and it is not as if I have another man anywhere.' 'What of Andrew? Have you forgotten his promise and assertions?

‘Abeg! Abeg! Stop am! I no like am. How many times have I told you that Andrew is not my type? He is too small for me.
‘He is too small for you. You know you will have nothing to do with him yet you can’t tell him to his face. You keep collecting gifts and money from him. Stop deceiving him. He thinks you love him.’
‘When did you become holy Mary’s cousin? Abeg! Shey Andrew no dey lick my plate? I ask you! Answer me! He is sleeping with me and i’m getting something in return. How is that a big deal? Shey Mr Ade no dey dig you too? Emeka too dey dig you. Why you kon dey form holy Mary?
‘I’m better than you dear. Mr Ade knows I can’t marry him. I’m not like you who keep putting the heads of two bulls in a clay pot. I’m different from you dear.’
‘Na you sabi! That one no even be the thing wey bring me come here.’
‘Wetin bring you? So, e don be say if you no get matter now, you can’t come to visit me.
‘You like taking things too far. The issue be say Andrew and Mr Davies are inviting me to their houses on the same day. Andrew want me to meet his father and Mr Davies wants me to meet his son.
‘How is that a big deal? You are getting married to Mr Davies accept his invitation!’

My Nightmare, My Loopholes 1: by Alim, Barakat

Part One.

‘My friend, you seem very lucky ooo.’
‘You can say that again, Racheal.’
‘l really wasn’t expecting an iPhone though but I guessed it should be something big.’
‘Eeeh! I Blessing…an iPhone 11! I don become one of the biggest babe in town! Thanks to Mr Ade.’
‘Bleeeeesing, hnmmmm pelzzin husband, mama bisi’s husband. If mama Bisi catch you eheeeen, na pepper you go smell. But I dey happy for you sha. Me sef, I no dey do single guys again. Na married men like Mr Ade I want, in fact, person wey pass Mr Ade.’
‘Wetin? I just dey use Mr Ade catch cruise ni oooo, Yorrrubaaaaa, wetin I wan use a Yoruba man do. Na Emeka I go marry.


‘Mtcheeeew. Emeka kwa? That broke ass guy. Emeka wetin? Mtcheew, dat one. Well, na you sabi. As for me, na married man I go marry.’
‘Hnmmmm. What of that abroad guy wey dey disturb you? your pepperlino.
‘Who be your pepperlino? oh! You meant Andrew, that one? He too young for my type and besides were you deaf when I was yarning say na married man I fit marry. Na dem sabi, na dem fit take care of singles like us.’ She said pulling her blouse and swirling her head in circular motions.
‘But that guy na good catch ooo. I must tell you.’


‘Abeg! Mtcheeew, which good catch. I no fit abeg! He dey too young. Imagine, he is 21. He no fit take care of me. He even said he would be coming to Nigeria next tomorrow.’
‘Ehnnn, you no wan tell me before? But he looks matured in the picture you showed me. But e be things sha, coz picture dey decieve. E dey too young tho, ha! 21! E don pass you sef. Na no way true true.’
‘My dear, it is really no way. Na im face I just wan see. You no say na for social media we dey chat since a year now. Na only im face and the goody goody wey im promise me I dey excited to see.’
‘Everything don enter itself. In one word, you can’t wait to see him.’
‘Na you sabi!’ I said patting blessing playfully.
*


‘Ahnahn ahn! What is all these now? Mtcheeew. What is the meaning of all these?
‘I’m so sorry. I’m very sorry. It wasn’t deliberate. I’m so sorry.’
‘See the way you splashed water all over my body. You are telling me sorry. Will sorry clear this mess all over me? That’s the way you rich people do. Bloody oppressors!’
‘Hey, young lady! I dont want you to think that way. You are taking this too far. I said I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It wasn’t intentional. You know what, let me give you a ride to your destination. I’m really sorry.’
‘Don’t bother!’ I said almost walking away.
‘Please. Dont decline. Please.’
‘Okay.’
‘Thanks. Where are you heading to?’
‘Dave’s street.’
‘Dave’s street? That’s my street. My name is Mr Juwon Davies.’
‘Oh! Really? Then you would be living very close to my place.’ I said smiling delightfully.
‘I live at no 6. What about you?’
‘No 15.’
‘So, what is the name of this beautiful angel?’
‘Racheal.’ I said unable to hide my excitement and sensual appeal.


‘Wow! What a nice name you’ve got.’
‘Thanks.’ I said widening my already invoked smile. I run my eyes all over him; from his few strands of slivering white hairs mixed with the black bush as if two different colours of nursery beds has been planted randomly. His well shaped hair cautiously brought down to his chin in a well constructed line by a learned barber whose handwriting must have been good during school days. His beards, in its appropriate length for his not too wide chin and circular face. The different strands of hair growing contrastively in colour, (black and white) as if they had been matchmaked. His dreamy eyes. His narrowed bone nose down to his flat and smallish nose. Beside his nose, on his right cheek stood a big black dot that is darker than his ebonized skin. His ear, the perfect size for the completely handsome face. His circular head pressing on his well-wedged neck, that anytime he is not looking at the side mirror of the car, observing passing cars, two pounds of flesh are formed while sitting comfortably. His well built muscular shoulder down to his arms sent a cold shiver down my spine. A big gold necklace stood around his neck like a choker, the pendant lying between his broad chest.


‘We are close to my residence, would you like to clean up? Helloooooo Rachel. Dear, anything the problem?’
‘Yessss sir, yeess.’ I answered muttering after a slight tap.
‘What is it? would you like to clean up at my residence?’
‘Sorry sir. I was far away in my thoughts. No problem sir.’
‘Oh ! I hope no problem?’
‘Not at all sir.’ I said hastily, quite uncomfortable with the discussion. I quickly threw my head to the other side surveying motors and people. He finally halted and horned at a big blue gate. He glanced at me to be sure I did not disapprove. I wore a neutral face like I wasn’t aware. A dwarfish middle-aged man flung the gate open hastily. He drove in and the man greeted him, postrating . He nodded slighty. I looked away complacently to avoid the man’s peering eyes.
‘You can come down from the car.’ I came down from the car, with him holding the doors and locking the car. I was quite ashamed of my stained dress.
‘Follow me.’ He said, gesturing politely. I followed him walking like an accused headed for a trial. I trudged behind him quietly and slowly.


‘Knock knock knock.’
‘Yes, who is at the door?’
‘Blessing. ‘
‘Come in jor ,you still dey knock?’
‘Where you waka go yesterday? House you no dey. Shop you no dey. Where you go?
‘I was called for an home service in the next street.’
‘Oh ! No wonder.’
‘Sit sit sit, make I gist you.’ I said excitingly almost interrupting.
‘Yarn me , make I hear.
‘I don see the sugar daddy wey I dey yearn for. Infact, matter don settle.’
‘Hmmm, tell me more my sister.’
‘His name na Mr Juwon Davies, na im own the street wey you and I dey live.’
‘Ogene ooo, Chineke ! Eh! My dear yarn me more, my ears are itching.
‘The most fortunate thing about his encounter is that……

My Nightmares,My Loopholes: Alim Barakah


‘My friend you seem very lucky ooo.’
‘You can say that again, Racheal.’
‘l really wasn’t expecting an iPhone though but I guessed it should be something big.’
‘Eeeh! I blessing…an iPhone 11! I don become one of the biggest babe in town! Thanks to Mr Ade.’
‘Bleeeeesing, hnmmmm pelzzin husband, mama bisi’s husband. If mama Bisi catch you eheeeen, na pepper you go smell. But I dey happy for you sha. Me sef, I no dey do single guys again. Na married men like Mr Ade I want, in fact, person wey pass Mr Ade.’
‘Wetin? I just dey use Mr Ade catch cruise ni oooo, Yorrrubaaaaa, wetin i wan use a Yoruba man do. Na emeka I go marry.
‘Mtcheeeew. Emeka kwa? That broke ass guy. Emeka wetin? Mtcheew, dat one. Well, na you sabi. As for me, na married man I go marry.’
‘Hnmmmm. What of that abroad guy wey dey disturb you? your pepperlino.
‘Who be your pepperlino? oh! You meant Andrew, that one? He too young for my type and besides were you deaf when I was yarning say na married man I fit marry. Na dem sabi, na dem fit take care of singles like us.’ She said pulling her blouse and swirling her head in circular motions.
‘But that guy na good catch ooo. I must tell you.’
‘Abeg! Mtcheeew, which good catch. I no fit abeg! He dey too young. Imagine, he is 21. He no fit take care of me. He even said he would be coming to Nigeria next tomorrow.’
‘Ehnnn, you no wan tell me before? But he looks matured in the picture you showed me. But e be things sha, coz picture dey decieve. E dey too young tho, ha! 21! E don pass you sef. Na no way true true.’
‘My dear, it is really no way. Na im face I just wan see. You no say na for social media we dey chat since a year now. Na only im face and the goody goody wey im promise me I dey excited to see.’
‘Everything don enter itself. In one word, you can’t wait to see him.’
‘Na you sabi!’ I said patting blessing playfully.


‘Ahnahn ahn! What is all these now? Mtcheeew. What is the meaning of all these?
‘I’m so sorry. I’m very sorry. It wasn’t deliberate. I’m so sorry.’
‘See the way you splashed water all over my body. You are telling me sorry. Will sorry clear this mess all over me? That’s the way you rich people do. Bloody oppressors!’
‘Hey, young lady! I dont want you to think that way. You are taking this too far. I said I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It wasn’t intentional. You know what, let me give you a ride to your destination. I’m really sorry.’
‘Don’t bother!’ I said almost walking away.
‘Please. Dont decline. Please.’
‘Okay.’
‘Thanks. Where are you heading to?’
‘Dave’s street.’
‘Dave’s street? That’s my street. My name is Mr Juwon Davies.’
‘Oh! Really? Then you would be living very close to my place.’ I said smiling delightfully.
‘I live at no 6. What about you?’
‘No 15.’
‘So, what is the name of this beautiful angel?’
‘Racheal.’ I said unable to hide my excitement and sensual appeal.
‘Wow! What a nice name you’ve got.’
‘Thanks.’ I said widening my already invoked smile. I run my eyes all over him; from his few strands of slivering white hairs mixed with the black bush as if two different colours of nursery beds has been planted randomly. His well shaped hair cautiously brought down to his chin in a well constructed line by a learned barber whose handwriting must have been good during school days. His beards, in its appropriate length for his not too wide chin and circular face. The different strands of hair growing contrastively in colour, (black and white) as if they had been matchmaked. His dreamy eyes. His narrowed bone nose down to his flat and smallish nose. Beside his nose, on his right cheek stood a big black dot that is darker than his ebonized skin. His ear, the perfect size for the completely handsome face. His circular head pressing on his well-wedged neck, that anytime he is not looking at the side mirror of the car, observing passing cars, two pounds of flesh are formed while sitting comfortably. His well built muscular shoulder down to his arms sent a cold shiver down my spine. A big gold necklace stood around his neck like a choker, the pendant lying between his broad chest.
‘We are close to my residence, would you like to clean up? Helloooooo Rachel. Dear, anything the problem?’
‘Yessss sir, yeess.’ I answered muttering after a slight tap.
‘What is it? would you like to clean up at my residence?’
‘Sorry sir. I was far away in my thoughts. No problem sir.’
‘Oh ! I hope no problem?’
‘Not at all sir.’ I said hastily, quite uncomfortable with the discussion. I quickly threw my head to the other side surveying motors and people. He finally halted and horned at a big blue gate. He glanced at me to be sure I did not disapprove. I wore a neutral face like I wasn’t aware. A dwarfish middle-aged man flung the gate open hastily. He drove in and the man greeted him, postrating . He nodded slighty. I looked away complacently to avoid the man’s peering eyes.
‘You can come down from the car.’ I came down from the car, with him holding the doors and locking the car. I was quite ashamed of my stained dress.
‘Follow me.’ He said, gesturing politely. I followed him walking like an accused headed for a trial. I trudged behind him quietly and slowly.


‘Knock knock knock.’
‘Yes, who is at the door?’
‘Blessing. ‘
‘Come in jor ,you still dey knock?’
‘Where you waka go yesterday? House you no dey. Shop you no dey. Where you go?
‘I was called for home service in the next street.’
‘Oh ! No wonder.’
‘Sit sit sit, make I gist you.’ I said excitingly almost interrupting.
‘Yarn me , make I hear.
‘I don see the sugar daddy wey I dey yearn for. Infact, matter don settle.’
‘Hmmm, tell me more my sister.’
‘His name na Mr Juwon Davies, na im own the street wey you and I dey live.’
‘Ogene ooo, Chineke ! Eh! My dear yarn me more, my ears are itching.
‘The most fortunate thing about his encounter is that; his wife is dead and his son his not here in Nigeria but would come home soon, and his son has been pestering him to bring a wife home.’
‘Eeeh! Rachael, the researcher how you take know all these? The person wey you just meet yesterday.’
‘He told me na. He told me everything.’
‘Ehn ehn, did he say he would marry you?’
‘Haha, you too dey jump. He just said we should be friends for now. But if he should propose marriage my dear, my living here is numbered.’
‘Hmmm, Rachael, you asked for it and God don give you. I dey happy for you ooo . How you kon take meet?’
‘Na my Obi work ooo. Infact we met in a conflict. He is so polite and humble. Did I forget to tell you that he is handsome and rich too.’
‘What is his age?’
‘I know noooo. But as I dey look am, im no fit pass 40-45
‘That one no too bad I dey happy for you.’
‘Thank you dear. Just wish me well.’
‘I’ve always wished you dear.’ She said hugging me tightly.
‘I hope say you remember say Andrew dey come tomorrow.’
‘Hmmm na true, i go ask am which time he go kon visit me.’


‘Hey sweet! Good evening.’
‘Evening. Welcome.’ I said jumping up from my sitting posture shockingly and rubbing my two palms sheepishly, looking straight at him; the part of his body my eyes met was his stomach. He was very tall.
‘Can I come in?’
‘Sure.’
‘What were you doing outside?’
‘Awaiting your presence.’
‘Oh ! Really. I’m here.’
‘Welcome. What should I offer you?’
‘Water, chilled.
‘Are you sure?’
‘Yeah. Sure.’
I dashed in to my kitchen to get him water. I entered rubbing my body lustfully. Ha! this guy is so handsome and well built, I thought. Oh! His good looks and firm voice was delivering message to my instinct. I dashed out to serve him the water.
‘Here it is.’
‘Thanks. So how have you been? I hope you’ve been good. I bought some things for you. I hope you will like it.’ I clutched my heart firmly. Don’t ask me whether from falling maybe from dripping, I can’t fathom. I popped my eyes into the bag thrusted forward.
‘Wow! I exclaimed!’ A two beautiful and rare gowns, two bags and two pairs of shoes to match, two bloater hats and sets of jewelries.
‘Thank you so much. I love it! And I’m very grateful. Thanks so much.’ I said blushing.
‘I’m glad you love it. You see, I love you very much and I would do anything to make you happy.’
‘Hmmm, I see. What were you doing in the States?’
‘I’ve just completed my bachelors. So, I’m here to read further and manage my father’s company.
‘Wow! That’s really good. I never thought you’d be as serious as this. I must say.
‘Really? Why do you think so?’
‘Your pictures, the way you chat, your status updates and stuffs.’
‘Hahahaha. I also never thought you’d be as beautiful as this.’ He said running his fingers on my nose bone.
‘You ain’t photogenic. You look more beautiful looking at you physically, than in pictures. And i’m loving you more for that. He said moving closer to me. I didn’t try hard to stop the quick moves and the interlocking lips. The firm hands that ran from my shoulder down to my back, to my hands, my waist, to my breasts and then, to my butt. The motion was unstoppable, it laid down my back, flared up my skirt, shifted my pants and then, another organ was doing the job. I moaned and tweeted like the kowee bird.
‘Mehn! You are sweet! He said tucking in his prick and zipping up. He bent down and held my shoulder firmly, saying; ‘Trust me I love you and I won’t leave you.’ I nodded.


‘Get me a glass of wine too.’
‘Okay daddy.’
‘Ehen Ehen, less I forget. You know you’ve been pestering me about getting married to another wife. I’ve finally find one.’
‘Wow! Really? That’s fantastic! Fantastic mehn!’
‘Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So she would be coming to visit us next tomorrow.’
‘Wow! So fast! That’s nice. I’ve got a girlfriend and I would like to introduce her to you.’
‘Good. But I hope it is not a white lady that you are planning to marry.’
‘Haha! No daddy. She isn’t white. You would like her when you see her. I would tell her to also come next tomorrow. So it gonna be a house of merriment.’
‘Wow! So fast? That’s good. But don’t loose focus. You know you are the one heading my company soon.’
‘Dad! It is a two different issue; my love life and my career.
‘Alright. So let’s await Friday then.’
‘Yah daddy!’


‘Tell me more, baby girl!’ Blessing exclaim
‘Have you really thought about this issue?’
‘Of course! I’m getting married to him and nothing is going to stop me and it is not as if I have another man anywhere.’
‘What of Andrew? Have you forgotten his promise and assertions?
‘Abeg! Abeg! Stop am! I no like am. How many times have I told you that Andrew is not my type? He is too small for me.
‘He is too small for you. You know you will have nothing to do with him yet you can’t tell him to his face. You keep collecting gifts and money from him. Stop deceiving him. He thinks you love him.’
‘When did you become holy Mary’s cousin? Abeg! Shey Andrew no dey lick my plate? I ask you! Answer me! He is sleeping with me and i’m getting something in return. How is that a big deal? Shey Mr Ade no dey dig you too? Emeka too dey dig you. Why you kon dey form holy Mary?
‘I’m better than you dear. Mr Ade knows I can’t marry him. I’m not like you who keep putting the heads of two bulls in a clay pot. I’m different from you dear.’
‘Na you sabi! That one no even be the thing wey bring me come here.’
‘Wetin bring you? So, e don be say if you no get matter now, you can’t come to visit me.
‘You like taking things too far. The issue be say Andrew and Mr Davies are inviting me to their houses on the same day. Andrew want me to meet his father and Mr Davies wants me to meet his son.
‘How is that a big deal? You are getting married to Mr Davies accept his invitation.’
‘No now, Ha! What would I tell Andrew?’
‘Why can’t you just let this boy go and stop deceiving him?
‘If you can’t advice me on what to do, no probs then. I would honour Mr Davies invitation first and then, Andrew later.’
‘Please yourself. It is your matter.’
‘Na you sabi.’


‘Dad what time did you say your fiancee will come?’
‘Around 12′ o clock. And yours?’
‘She is coming in the evening. I tried to persuade her to come but she insisted. I don’t want to do things against her wish, I really love her.
‘But you should’ve been able to convince her and win. She is your to-be wife you know? Or haven’t you talk to her about marriage?’
‘Not really. We ain’t in an hurry. But I have made her understand that this relationship will end well and marriage might happen.’
‘Okay, good. As a husband, you must learn how to persuade your counter part. My
lady should arrive soon. Help me check what Laide is cooking.
‘Okay.’
Moments later…………………………….
‘Knock. Knock. Knock.’
‘Come in.’ I came in. Appearing in the perfect outfit for such thrilling invitation, I shashayed into the room and hugged my fiance. He pecked me on my lips and rubbed me lightly.
‘Good afternoon honey.’ I said through my nose.
‘Afternoon dear. Welcome to my humble abode.’ He said, bending a little.
‘ Very beautiful.’ I complimented.’
‘Thanks. Let me introduce you to my son. Andrew! Andrew! Andrew!
‘Sir.’ he said approaching.
‘My wife is………….’
‘Oh blessing! What a surprise. He rushed at the dumbfounded me and pecked me. He was too excited to notice me and his father’s facial expression.
‘You didn’t tell me you were coming this early. Thank you so much…..’
‘Wait! Wait! Wait! What is happening? Andrew! This is my to-be wife that I have been telling you about.’
‘What? Shit! Racheal! Will you speak?’
‘Eerrrm, Eeerrm.’
‘Ouch! Fuck mehn! So you are a tart? You are dating my father and I.
‘Raaacheeel, Raaacheeeal. I never knew you were such an immoral girl. I thought you claimed you were pregnant?
‘Yes. I’m. It is for you. I swear. I swear. I didn’t know he is your son. I was only playing tricks on him.’
‘Shut up! So you’ve been playing tricks on me, right? You’ve been sleeping with my father too. Who knows who else that is sleeping with you? Before you ruin our family. Please get out! Out! I say out!’ I ran out, terrified. Unfortunately for me, rain had started falling. I wept. Clasping my hands together on my head in regret……….


‘Racheal! Racheal! Which kain yeye sleep be this?
‘Hnmmmm, hnmmm, uhnmmmmm. Ha! So it was a dream?’ I woke up gasping for breath.
‘Welcome Miss Josephine. Are you panting this heavily because of an ordinary dream? Shey person thief yah money for your dream ni or na masquerade dey chase you?’
‘Blessing, you won’t understand. It is more terrible than that.’
‘Really? Narrate am make I hear.’
‘I dreamt that I met…………’
My Nightmares,
My Loopholes..

Auntie Bose by Chiedozie Ude

A nosy neighbour!!!

Aunty Bose was the pain of my life. She was one of those women who only smiled after telling on you, describing to your parents the mischief you had been up to during the day. She would use her toothpick-like arms to demonstrate the severity of your crimes by raising them really high like a choirmaster who sought high notes from his choristers. The essence of such action was to make one’s parents really angry, and this anger was surely going to be converted into a good beating. Sometimes, her stories were true; however, they were often exaggerated. But most times, they were simply the vengeful tales of a woman who hated everything about happy children.

Some of us called her “auntie” while the rest of the children living in the dilapidated two-storey building secretly called her a WITCH. Of course, it had to be done in secret because we knew she would cook up lies to avenge herself. Indeed, this description would prove to be apt.

To all the working-class parents, Aunty Bose was godsend because she was a sit-at-home wife –another name for joblessness. Aunty Bose’s availability meant that she could always keep an eye on other people’s children, watching out for faults the way a kite watches the movement of a potential prey. To summarise it all, she was adored by many parents. Who wouldn’t like a woman who helped you watch your kids for free while you were away?

The earliest memory I have of Auntie Bose was when she tied my hands and legs to the hands and legs of another boy because we were caught trying to draw water from the well. We were about five years old. To Auntie Bose, tying our hands and legs will stop our “touchy touchy” and our “waka waka”. No wonder why many parents respected Auntie Bose.

Now, I should not get all nice and warm in my description because none of the aforementioned adjectives could be used to describe Auntie Bose. She was the kind of woman who would store water in buckets at her backyard for days whenever our regularly-dry well decided to produce water. Most times, this water would turn green because she never had use for the extra she always stored. It was believed by many children and even adults that she intentional stored excess water so that others would have none when they needed water from the well. Perhaps, Auntie Bose was just being smart by storing water for the dry day. Nevertheless, I, alongside others, remained of the opinion that she was a witch — the greatest there was and the greatest there ever will be.

One would think that Aunty Bose would we satisfied with all she did; however, one was to be proven wrong because Aunty Bose was prowling about like the biblical roaring lion, seeking who to devour. Pardon my hyperbolic allusion. The major thing that got destroyed in her itinerary of doing mean things was our balls. Do not fret it, she was not completely devilish because, by “balls”, I literally mean “footballs” and not the other one you know.

The ability of Auntie Bose to put away balls was legendary for different types and colours of balls met their waterloo when they came in contact with her. Most times, she would use a knife to cut them into many pieces, throwing the pieces back at us in a bid to see our sad faces. Knife or not, we all knew that once balls got into her hands, they would never be released because she loved her balls: probably too much.

Surely, we were not going to sit for long without giving Auntie Bose her share of pain. The resistance started with us children refusing to give her her daily food — greetings. Many a time, we would intentionally pass where she was perched and blatantly refuse to greet her. Of course, her face would then become contorted into something really ugly. We could easily see the veins in her face swelling as blood, fueled by insane fury, rushed into them. We knew she would complain to our parents but we were past caring. In fact, we blatantly refused to surrender our footballs whenever she wanted to seize them; this was the beginning of her downfall, or was it?

One day, we decided to up the game. Auntie Bose had just smartly taken and destroyed our football so we swore vengeance. We had to hit her in a way it would hurt. So, plans were made and plans were discarded. Notwithstanding, there was one plan that stood the test of time. It was the plan. It was despicable!!!

Remember the buckets of water she regularly stored?? That was the plan. Undoubtedly, you will think that the plan was to steal the water or probably to pour it away. No! That was never the plan. The plan was much worse. It required the use of liquid to pollute liquid. The first and second liquids refer to URINE and WATER respectively.

Yes, we decided to urinate into her buckets, and we did. Some of us were to watch out for danger while the rest of us were to commit the act. However, everyone wanted a piece of Auntie Bose, so we committed the act together all the while laughing maniacally like villains do when they declare their intentions of world domination. We did not bother about getting caught because we knew that Auntie Bose went to the market. As we were creating a confluence of two waters, we heard a voice saying, “What are you doing?”

The voice belonged to Auntie Bose. She was back!!!!! She repeated, “What are you doing?”

As Time Flies

By Chiedozie Ude (May 20, 2017)

This is an old writeup. I hope it entertains you.

Like they all say, time waits for no one.

Today, instead of discussing religion or politics, I have decided to go back in time and narrate an incident which at first I did not find funny.

The year was 2013 and our SSCE results were out. I decided to go to Ilasa to see my friends. I had this friend called Dare Oke, a plump boy who seemed to roll instead of walking(we are still in touch). He, alongside I, decided to visit some girls (sisters) which I’ll call X and Y.

Being parochial, we hatched a plan to tell their mother that we had forgotten our WAEC registration number and we think that her daughters would help us remember them. Back then, this sounded like a master plan for we were sure that X and Y’s extremely smart mother will not suspect that we had other motives. The plan looked perfect; it was time to visit some ladies.

When we got to the house of X and Y, we could not garner the courage to knock at their door; so, we spent almost 30minutes rehearsing our speech, removing the parts we felt were wanton and also trying to embellish our speech with a plethora of high-sounding words because we knew that their mother was a tough one. We had to appear saintly.

At last we summoned courage and knocked, a maid opened the door and guess what?? We met them (the whole family) eating dinner. X and Y looked at us, really astonished that we had defied reason and common sense to visit them for we all knew quite well that their mother was a tyrant

The look we got from the mum could have frozen hell. In fact, I saw her eyes glint with danger. My heart melted. Maybe we were wrong to visit. We were in for it.

After dinner, their mum stood up and walked majestically across the room with the sure-footedness of an alpha wolf marking its territory. She was the embodiment of affluence, and also had this aura of charisma. To aptly describe her, she is the modern-day Madea in terms of sheer size.

God, she was huge! I don’t know why but for the first time I felt small, really tiny, and my nerve left me. I forgot all that we planned to say as the reason for our visit. In fact, the only thing that was still keeping me there was the fact that the doors were locked. Immediately she asked the first question which was “Why are you here?” I quickly blurted out that I was just escorting Dare, and in fact, I had no business there. Who WAEC registration number help?

😃😀😃

Time flies, I wish I could meet that mum again, let her see a Dozie void of fear, an alpha male.

The Boys Who Dangled Their Phalluses

UDE, Chiedozie Orji.

Really?

I find it difficult to write fiction and this explains why my little forays into storytelling revolves around a past experience in my life. Today is not an exception because I want to tell you all a story. A story that has no regard for morals. A story of the absurd, by the absurd and for the absurd. A story about a plethora of phalluses, little ones. Do read carefully.

The time I spent in Junior Secondary School was a feisty period of my life. It was a time when I was beginning to come of age; a time of puberty. It was a time when I learnt that one’s penis was not meant to serve only as a pissing tool.

I was in JS2 and I was one confused preteenager. I could not explain why the little man decided to stretch out its limbs when I saw or heard the slightest erotic thing. However, this problem became explicable during Integrated Science class. I never really loved anything science based but the topic of the day was one that would fill my holy head with a lot of images; pictures about copulation. I was not much interested in boobs because all the girls in my age grade were yet to develop them, but the topic of the day drew my attention to everything worth paying attention to. The topic was reproduction.

Mr. Paul, our handsome tall teacher who was rumoured to be in an illicit affair with a girl in JS3, seemed to be enjoying himself. He graphically explained to us the concept of an erection, how the penis uncurled itself and stood gallantly, like a proud soldier hoisting the flag of his country, as it sought its way into a woman’s vagina. He revelled in the discomfort our small and innocent faces must have emanated, for we were all trying to look saintly; after all, we were all good children.

Mr Paul ended the class rather abruptly, for he did not completely tell us what an ejaculation was. I was curious, what did an ejaculation feel like? How would one know when one was about to ejaculate? Nonso speculated that the feeling must be similar to what one felt after one was able to urinate after holding up the urine for hours in one’s bladder, and we could not help but to agree with his masterful logic for Nonso was known for his intellectual dexterity.

Having satisfied our curiosity on what ejaculation felt like, we moved to the ejaculator itself. Comparing penis sizes became our next sport. Funnily enough, this new game was to spread like wild fire because many a boy decided to dangle his phallus like it was some award-winning object, maybe it was. It was a time of separating the wheat from tares; a time of “MACHOrity”.

So, showcasing our lower region to fellow boys became a habit. We would occupy a part of the class that was devoid of girls to practice our newly-found proclivity. We had no homosexual tendencies; we were just kids who were revelling in our latest invention — penis exhibition. In terms of size, none of us had much back then. In fact, the only person to have pubic hairs was a boy named Jerry. Jerry was older than most of us, and his age showed. He was the only one whose phallus filled his palms. The rest of us could simply use two fingers to pick ours. Because Jerry was the biggest amongst us, he had the envy of all the boys, he basked in his moments of stardom for it was the only time he had ever come first in anything.

Of course, there is always a comeuppance for stupid acts and the phallus danglers were about to be sold out. It happened on the last day of the term, that fateful sunny day. Jerry was becoming too big for his boots, behaving as if he was the only endowed teenager in the world (the posturing peacock of a boy). To say the truth, he was getting on my nerves, and I still know till this day that my anger was not based on the fact that he was bigger, even though he thought so (the bloody idiot!). Jerry was to make that costly mistake that would destroy the phallus danglers.

That day, I decided to stay away from the clique and that was the day Jerry showed his lice-infested stuff for a last time. He probably wanted to make a lasting impression on everyone before the holidays. Unfortunately, Taiwo, a tell-tale of a boy, saw him and reported to the authorities. This was the beginning of a long and rigorous process of fishing out other participants. Jerry was not going down alone, the bloody coward.

Names were mentioned and boys were implicated. Yours truly was among the names that were released. Gently, yours truly picked up his bag and gently walked out in the confusion, for there was an uproar and students were everywhere. When I got outside the gates, I ran faster than I had ever done before; in fact, it will be an understatement to say that I ran faster than the speed of light.

Up till today, I still take pride in the fact that I escaped a beating despite being among the pioneers who invented the sport of dangling phalluses. In addition, whenever you see boys clustered in a particular place, you may want to believe that they are comparing penis sizes. Also, it is important for me to point out here that I still do not know what an ejaculation feels like, really?

Sonder

Chidinma Igweonu

It’s funny how time still passes when something horrible is happening. It’s even funnier how people continue living their lives oblivious to the fact that someone somewhere is going through a lot of pain. This has made me to wish that could pause sometimes. People should stop sometimes and really look because there is a lot to see.
It was a lazy afternoon. All afternoons were lazy these days. My mom and I were chatting in the veranda. She had just asked me if she was getting old. I had laughed silently because I knew it was a trap. If I said yes, she would tease me and if I said no, she would scold me for lying. I wondered why she had even asked me in the first place when she already knew the answer. I was indecisive. I was still thinking about what to say when I heard his scream. A high-pitched one that could have broken the glasses around if we were in Hollywood.

He was in the next compound, the compound that belongs to mechanics. I think his name was Ezekiel. He would always smile politely at me when I greeted but would say nothing for it seemed like he was a man of few words. His shirt was on FIRE! He was on FIRE! I watched as the bright orange flames leaped up his body like acrobats at their very best. I watched as they licked at his skin with insatiable hunger. People were screaming but Ezekiel was still the lead screamer. I was petrified. I think I was screaming too but I couldn’t hear my own voice. My throat was dry. My head felt heavy. My body was hot. People were pouring water on him till the fire died. In its wake were red angry burns to avenge its death

Time hadn’t stilled or frozen; not even for a second. I walked back aimlessly into my house. I saw my baby brother lying on the sofa. He had slept through it all. He wore a peaceful smile on his face. In that moment, I understood that that was just how life was. People went about their own lives wearing peaceful smiles on their faces unaware of what others were going through. This oblivion is inevitable and it doesn’t make us cruel. It makes us human.