Tag Archives: burglar

My Pu$$y will not rest until I Buy iPhone 11

iPhone Slay Queen
It is still interesting to see how people crave for iPhones especially the latest iPhones when they are put in the market.Many women will do anything for an iPhone to the extent that some will let men sleep with them in exchange for the Apple product.Since the outdoor of the latest iPhone 11 Max Pro, several celebrities including Sandra Ankobiah, Tonto Dikeh and others have flaunted their latest mobile device on social media.Tonto Dikeh who purchased 3 pieces of the brand new series of iPhone 11 Max Pro has advised women not to sleep with numerous men just to be able to purchase the fone which cost about $1000.00.A Ghanaian slay queen has turned deaf ears to Tonto Dikeh’s advice as she had vowed not to rest until she owns an iPhone 11 Max Pro.This slay queen whose name is yet to be identified made this pronouncement on social media shared by Hiplife founder Reggie Rockstone.In the said post which she added her photo, the lady posted her photo and her caption hinted she’s ready to allow men to have their way with her so she could get money to purchase the phone.See the screenshot below

Source: browngh.com

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Everywhere Konji!!! 85-Year-Old Woman Caught In A Group SXX With 5 Men. GBAMLOG.COM

85-Year-Old Woman Caught In A Group SXX With 5 Men

An 85-yr-old woman has been arrested after she was caught having group sxx in woodland in Connecticut, the United States in the penultimate week.

On Aug 9, concerned citizens called the police to report a public hook-up happening in the wooded area. The octogenarian was spotted with 5 elderly men including her husband having an orgy.

Image result for 85-Year-Old Woman Caught Having Sex With Five Men, Including Her Husband

All six were apprehended and charged with breach of peace.

The senior citizens are identified as Joyce Butler, 85 – the only woman participating in the orgy – her husband Richard Butler, 82; Daniel Dobbins, 67; Otto D. Williams, 62; Charles L. Ardito, 75; and John Linartz, 62.

Image result for 85 year old woman

According to the Fairfield Police Department, the senior citizens were busted while getting hot and heavy at the Grace Richardson

The Scene of the group sex; and four of the culprits.

Conservation Area during a surveillance operation on public hook-ups in the area. Two of the suspects, Daniel Dobbins and John Linartz have additionally been charged with public indecency.

Dobbins was previously charged with second-degree breach of peace by Connecticut police after witnesses said they spotted him walking around a park naked before police found him inside his car “with his shirt and shorts draped over him and no underclothes.”

The culprits have been released and will appear in court at a later date.

Leave your comments below…

Source: dailyadvent

“Man Find Out All His 5 Kids Are Not His, 2 Are From His Family Doctor” – Apostle Suleman Reveals. GBAMLOG.COM

Apostle Johnson Suleman on his Twitter handle asks for people’s opinion as he tells the story of a man who recently realised that his two sons were not his biological children.

According to the popular cleric tweet which reads “A man suddenly found out his 5 kids are not entirely his…. 2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife…he wants to divorce and send the kids away. thou he’s grown to love them so much… What do you think?…”

Apst Johnson Suleman

@APOSTLESULEMAN
A man suddenly found out his 5kids are not entirely his…2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife..he wants a divorce and send the kids(9/11) away.tho he has grown to love them so much….WHAT DO YOU THINK?..
1,657
2:28 PM – Aug 14, 2019
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See reactions from Nigerians below;

Apst Johnson Suleman

· Aug 14, 2019
A man suddenly found out his 5kids are not entirely his…2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife..he wants a divorce and send the kids(9/11) away.tho he has grown to love them so much….WHAT DO YOU THINK?..

Asiegbu Precious
@Itzpreshkeyz
First of all, the Bible doesn’t support divorce so that’s not an option for. The man. Secondly, the children have frown to know and love him as a father and I’m sure the man also loves them as his children, so I’ll advise he holds unto them and keep being that father figure.
3
8:53 AM – Aug 15, 2019
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Apst Johnson Suleman

· Aug 14, 2019
A man suddenly found out his 5kids are not entirely his…2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife..he wants a divorce and send the kids(9/11) away.tho he has grown to love them so much….WHAT DO YOU THINK?..

kobiechie
@kobiechie1
He should keep them as his kids… The father love is there.. Being a father is not about the bloodline but the love shown toward a child
95
2:30 PM – Aug 14, 2019
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Apst Johnson Suleman

· Aug 14, 2019
A man suddenly found out his 5kids are not entirely his…2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife..he wants a divorce and send the kids(9/11) away.tho he has grown to love them so much….WHAT DO YOU THINK?..

Remi Ibinola RIO
@reminola
He should humble himself and find out where he went wrong.
162
6:57 PM – Aug 14, 2019
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Apst Johnson Suleman

· Aug 14, 2019
A man suddenly found out his 5kids are not entirely his…2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife..he wants a divorce and send the kids(9/11) away.tho he has grown to love them so much….WHAT DO YOU THINK?..

Mutinta
@Mutinta59404658
Raising kids doesn’t mean they have to be yours,if he has grown to love them he can aswel decide to keep them it isn’t their fault at all,concerning the marriage!!!God hates divorce yes,but the decision is entirely up to him whether to keep his marriage or send her away
4
2:32 PM – Aug 14, 2019
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Apst Johnson Suleman

· Aug 14, 2019
A man suddenly found out his 5kids are not entirely his…2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife..he wants a divorce and send the kids(9/11) away.tho he has grown to love them so much….WHAT DO YOU THINK?..

Jackson Rossett@ AfricanTrumpfan
@RossettJackson
I’ll visit a custody lawyer to find out what I can do to keep the kids. With all the love shared… it will be extremely difficult to let go. how do I live without them, where do I start from. I rather bear the pain and fight for ways to keep this children.
3
2:52 PM – Aug 14, 2019
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Apst Johnson Suleman

· Aug 14, 2019
A man suddenly found out his 5kids are not entirely his…2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife..he wants a divorce and send the kids(9/11) away.tho he has grown to love them so much….WHAT DO YOU THINK?..

Donald Doo
@RealDonaldDoo
Being a father is not only about those who biologically yours, Sir, a lot of times people have grown to love and call people father or mother when they didn’t give birth to them.
God has blessed him with children, let him keep them.
92
2:41 PM – Aug 14, 2019
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Apst Johnson Suleman

· Aug 14, 2019
A man suddenly found out his 5kids are not entirely his…2 are from his family doctor who has been secretly having affair with his wife..he wants a divorce and send the kids(9/11) away.tho he has grown to love them so much….WHAT DO YOU THINK?..

Idahosa Omoregie
@__King_David
First thing first , he should ask the holy spirit for help . if he still loves the wife he can keep her because at least three kids are still his, for the other that are not his should know their father but if he wants to keep them he should get a legal claim for them by a lawyer
15
2:39 PM – Aug 14, 2019
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Marriage is an agreement between two people who have found love in each other and has decided to commit their relationship from just dating or courting, to tying the knot in a together forever journey.

To breach the contract of the agreement as far as marriage is concerned is to defile the bed by involving in adultery.

Hence, the action of the wife and the doctor is a total act of treachery, betraying the trust of the man and making him love and raise the children of another man, not just anyone but his family doctor, it is indeed heartbreaking.

With various suggestion coming from Nigerians on what the man should do, what do you suggest the man should and likewise what should be done to the woman?

Lets’s hear your opinion in the comments section below and don’t forget to like and share.

Source: dailyadvent.

Analysis on Matiiku by Chiedozie Ude. GBAMLOG.COM

Ude, Chiedozie Orji.
Department of English, UNILAG

Analysis on Matiiku

It is no news that trying to analyse a live performance is a tricky job. This trickiness may be as a result of different factors such as place and time— or more impressive, the complex nature of literature. Notwithstanding this difficulty, this paper will make an attempt to critically analyse the stage play entitled Matiiku. This essay will succinctly summarise the play and its subject matter, making use of factors such as the stage management and the gestures (which some may refer to as body language) of the actors to defend the choice of subject matter. The attention that will be paid to the factors stated above stems from the technical nature of the dialogue — that is, it was, to a very large extent, exclusively performed in the Yoruba language. However, the focus on the gestures and stage management does not in any way downplay the usefulness of the dialogue in this analysis because its importance in making the play fit its setting, and also, its subject matter cannot be overlooked. Also, it is important to note that this essay will include foreign references — that is, events or even books outside the narrative — which will be used support the arguments expressed in this paper. All these will be combined to comprehensively analyse this play.

This segment of the essay will comment on the playwright and the setting of the play. Not much is known about the playwright; hence, we move on to the setting of the play. The play is set during the colonial era, and this is reinforced through the manner in which the stage was set, and the numerous festivities which took place — the market scene; the baby/ritual scene; and the court dispute between the colonial district officer and the people. The latter is unarguably the strongest supporter of the claim that the play is set during the colonial era because it not only captures the communication problems that plagued the colonial masters due to their inability to grasp the local languages employed by their subjects, but also captures the presence of the white man (The district officer); hence, justifying the time setting— that is, the colonial period. The place setting of the play is Lagos. The introduction of three characters at the beginning of the play who represent the three white-cap chiefs of Lagos is testament to this fact. They, unequivocally, strengthen the play’s genre — that is, a historical play.

The subject matter of the play revolves around a man, who was predestined to be king, right from birth. This information was exposed by the narrator, before the start of the play. Hence, one can say that the plot of the play is based on the child, whom the oracle chooses as king. As expected, he becomes the king of Lagos once he attains adulthood; although, the colonial government later wrestled power from him. It is important to state that the fulfillment of the prophecy on the life of the king is a common motif in Yoruba themed plays— that is, the oracle can never be wrong— such as Ola Rotimi’s The Gods are Not to Blame, where the pronouncements of the oracle on the main character comes to pass. Therefore, one can be justified to state that there is a theme of fate (inevitable destiny) in the play. Another thing that is worthwhile to discuss is how the scenes in the play are linked by an interlude of music and dance. These performances (music and dance) may be regarded as entertaining because of the choreographic dance steps employed by the dancers. Being a traditional play, these songs should have deeper meanings, but that is not the focus of this essay. So, this analysis will rate the musical interlude from the standpoint of pleasure and entertainment.

One may describe the stage management as almost impeccable due to the perfect way the stage was set to represent the setting, and also, their flawless deployment of the lighting technique. To me, it is this lighting technique that makes the play stand out. The lights came up when and where necessary, not a second too early or late. Unarguably, the lighting technique was most effective when it was employed to show time — that is, day and night. This topnotch use of this technique is also brought to the fore when the lights were dimmed during the ritual scene. The solemnity and sacredness of the rituals were well captured by the eerily spooky umbrella of semi-darkness. This was enough to make the watcher understand the importance of these rituals. Another important thing I noticed due to the arrangement of the stage is the market scene. The market scene is crucial in traditional plays. The market is known as a place where rumours and stories thrive. Little wonder the birth of the would be king is announced in the market setting. The market scene is also ideal for announcement of the king’s birth because it reinforces Soyinka’s principle in Death and the King’s Horseman of the market place being a strategic location for the meeting of the three realities in Yoruba mythology — that is, the world of the unborn; the world of the living; and the world of the dead. It is important to note that the market place also serves as a link between these realities. Hence, this well believed myth strengthens the writer’s use of the market scene to announce a transition — that is, from the world of the unborn to the world of the living. The stage management was described as almost impeccable at the beginning of the paragraph because it had slight flaws. One of such flaws is the bad sound systems used in the play. Aside this, one can be justified to give the stage management crew an excellent score for a job well done.

Also, the gestures of the actors also enable non speakers of the Yoruba language to have an insight on some of the happenings in the play. The slow pace, with which those who are to make prophecies on the child move, gives insight to the audience that these men must be truly special and of high importance in the society. The greatness which is proclaimed on the baby is evident when the priests and other spectators bow to the child. However, the child’s mother refuses to bow to her child; hence, bringing into play the African belief that expects a child to prostrate himself to his parents, and not the other way round.

In conclusion, if I were asked to give my personal opinion on the play, I would rate it as a largely successful performance. The topnotch techniques employed by the stage management crew played a huge role in this. As a member of the audience who could not fully grasp the dialogues, I was entertained by the dance interlude. Hence, I can boldly describe the play as a successful one. In conclusion, this essay has made an attempt to analyse the production of the play Matiiku.

Works cited:
Ola Rotimi’s The Gods are Not to Blame.
Wole Soyinka’s Death and the King’s Horseman.

Man Arrested For Sleeping With Mad Woman In Lagos (Photo). GBAMLOG.COM

The man arrested for sleeping with a mad womanThe Police in Lagos have arrested a 30-year man, who reportedly specialised in engaging and impregnating mad ladies on the streets, after he allegedly took a pregnant mad woman into an uncompleted building to have s-x.The suspect, Laminu Alli, was apprehended by the Lagos residents after he was reportedly caught inside the uncompleted building, where he went to have s-x with victim simply identified as Christiana.The incident happened at Isheri Olofin along Igando-LASU Expressway to Iyana Iba area of Lagos.PM Express gathered that it was not the first the suspect, Alli, had reportedly been caught with mad women inside uncompleted building but the residents decided to confirm their suspicion over a period of time.Alli was said to have taken the mad victim, Christiana, into the building and pulled his trouser in order to penetrate her before he was caught and accused of armed robbery.However, he denied being an armed robber but only took the victim into the building in order to have sex with her despite the fact that the victim was pregnant and not mentally balanced.He was handed over to the Police at Idimu Division. After interrogation, the Police found him culpable and later arraigned him before the Ejigbo Magistrates Court for attempting to rape a mad woman by force with the knife found on him.He pleaded not guilty.The prosecutor, Supol Kenneth Asibor, asked the Court to give a date for hearing since he pleaded not guilty to enable the Police to prove the matter.Thus, the Presiding Magistrate, Mr. T.O Shomade, granted him bail in the sum of N100,000 with two sureties in like sum.He was remanded in prison custody pending when he will perfect his bail. The matter was adjourned till 12th August, 2019.

Source: tori.ng

The man arrested for sleeping with a mad womanThe Police in Lagos have arrested a 30-year man, who reportedly specialised in engaging and impregnating mad ladies on the streets, after he allegedly took a pregnant mad woman into an uncompleted building to have s-x.The suspect, Laminu Alli, was apprehended by the Lagos residents after he was reportedly caught inside the uncompleted building, where he went to have s-x with victim simply identified as Christiana.The incident happened at Isheri Olofin along Igando-LASU Expressway to Iyana Iba area of Lagos.PM Express gathered that it was not the first the suspect, Alli, had reportedly been caught with mad women inside uncompleted building but the residents decided to confirm their suspicion over a period of time.Alli was said to have taken the mad victim, Christiana, into the building and pulled his trouser in order to penetrate her before he was caught and accused of armed robbery.However, he denied being an armed robber but only took the victim into the building in order to have sex with her despite the fact that the victim was pregnant and not mentally balanced.He was handed over to the Police at Idimu Division. After interrogation, the Police found him culpable and later arraigned him before the Ejigbo Magistrates Court for attempting to rape a mad woman by force with the knife found on him.He pleaded not guilty.The prosecutor, Supol Kenneth Asibor, asked the Court to give a date for hearing since he pleaded not guilty to enable the Police to prove the matter.Thus, the Presiding Magistrate, Mr. T.O Shomade, granted him bail in the sum of N100,000 with two sureties in like sum.He was remanded in prison custody pending when he will perfect his bail. The matter was adjourned till 12th August, 2019.

Source: tori.ng

COMEDY ROMANCE: MODERN LOVE by Ruffled Quill | GBAMLOG.COM

Deep breaths…

Not so deep that you pass out, but deep enough to relax you into a state of such super coolness that you’ll pretty much glide up that finely paved driveway, knock on the door and ask her out. I try a few more deep breaths and then stop before I hyperventilate right here in the street. Her house is in the middle of the street, a semi-detached new build that screams ‘Yes, the area I was built in may be a little troublesome from time to time, but living in this house you’ll forget all that’.

It’s probably got four bedrooms with en-suite, the windows are double glazed, dark brown frames against pale, expensive brickwork and she has a garage that’s attached to the house. Whatever her dad does for a living he must be good at it.

In my head I replay the conversation that got me here.

 

***

I was sat on the wall by the art block. Ste, my best friend, was with me. We only had half an hour for dinner but he’d been back to the canteen three times already. As usual on summer days the girls in our year liked to sit in a group on the grass and gossip the time away; a ring of male spectators had gathered, keeping their distance just enough to avoid detection but watching them closely. We were in that ring but I was only watching one girl, Jo. We only had a few lessons together but it was enough for me to fall in love with her.

“She told me she likes you,” said Ste, trying to impale as many chips onto the small, plastic fork as he could manage; those he couldn’t  made a bid for escape over the side of the tray, dinner for the birds once we’d left the yard.

“Are you sure?” I asked him again. There were two reasons why I’m not convinced; one, a girl like Jo wouldn’t ever like me and two, I’ve known Ste my whole life and ninety-eight percent of what comes out of his mouth is crap.

“Trust me.” When he sees the look on my face he decides to elaborate. “She told Claire that she likes you-“

“You said she told you herself.”

He waved his hand in the air as though who said what wasn’t really important. I ducked the chips that flew off the folk.

“I meant she told Claire and Claire told me. I wasn’t supposed to know but I couldn’t keep that from you.”

As he fills his mouth with more chips I try to weigh up what’s worse, the girl of my dreams fancying me or her best friend’s shocking morals on confidentiality.

“Should I ask her out here, at school?” I ask myself aloud. Ste thinks I’m asking him. He shakes his head and I’m glad he hasn’t tried to talk with food in his mouth. Eventually he swallows. It’s like a snake swallowing a goat.

“Go round to her house after school and ask her,” he says as if he does this kind of thing all the time. I know he doesn’t since he has the same luck as I do with girls.

***

 

I try for the gate and it’s stuck, the bloody thing won’t open. Is this a sign? I’m trying desperately to get it open while at the same time trying to keep a cool exterior should anyone happen to glance out of their window. A small amount of light kicking and eventually it swings open and emits a high pitch screech of rusted hinges, like a warning system. Hopefully not one for an attack dog. Does she own a dog? She’s never said. Jesus, what if I’m savaged in her front garden? There aren’t any warning stickers in the window, though. You’ve got to warn people if you’re housing a four legged, ferocious killing machine. I read that somewhere.

I’m purposely dawdling now, admiring plants that I’ll never know the names of, following the intricate pattern of the crazy paving. The closer I get to the house the harder it will be to ask her. If I continue to panic this much my brain will surely seize.

Get a grip! I tell myself. She’s known you ages, she’ll be pleased, if a little surprised to see you at her door but that won’t matter. Once you ask her and she says yes then you’ve cracked it. You can crack a few jokes and stride off into the sunset leaving her breathless at the front door, unable to contain her excitement at your date the following night . . . you hope.

I’m at her door. Do I use the door knocker or bell? Is there a system? My hand hovers, unsure, between the two.  Is the door knocker for friends and family and the bell for salesmen and extremely nervous fourteen year olds? What do I do? Help, please anyone!

“Excuse me, mate.”

I spin around so quick that I almost turn a full 360. A man is standing by the gate dressed in a dark blue courier uniform, holding a clipboard and a package under his arm. I didn’t even hear his van pull up. He looks about thirty, unshaven and quite tough; like an e-fit from Crime Watch.

“Yes?” I say, happy for the distraction.

“Is this 14 Hamble Drive?”

“Erm…” I look back at the door, no number anywhere. Why would you not have a door number on your house?  “I er, don’t know.”

“Oh, right. I thought you lived here. It looked like you were unlocking the door that was all.”

“No, I don’t, mate.” Will he ask her for me? He can knock on the door and just tell Jo there’s a very nervous kid on the street who would like to go out with her. She’ll think it’s sweet.

“What’s the name of the family that live here?”  He asks, while placing the clipboard on the wall and checking the parcel over. My mind’s gone blank again, I’ve managed to forget my future girlfriend’s last name, and I thought exam stress was a killer.

“I don’t know,” I tell him, weakly.

“Are you a friend or relative?” He looks concerned. Concerned that he’s got a chance to unload a parcel but he can’t tell if I’m an idiot or not.

“Erm…not really.” Oh god, I’m getting flustered, he’s making me even more nervous and I’m doing my best not to show it.

“Not really what?”

“I’m a friend.”

“You weren’t sure a second ago.”

“I’m a friend,” I assure him, but he doesn’t seem assured. He reaches for the pen behind his ear and taps the parcel. He’s weighing me up, sussing if I know what I’m talking about. It won’t be long before he realises I don’t.

“A friend of whom?”

“Their daughter.”

“Who is?”

“Claire.” That’s not her name, you fool. “No Joanne, I mean, Jo.”

“Are you sure you know them?”

How has none of her family heard this conversation? There’s a man getting ever more incensed by a pointless conversation with a school boy in their garden and so far not one person has ventured outside to investigate. The Courier’s not keen on going anywhere because he’s now resting on the wall by the gate. Maybe I could reason with him? Explain the situation to him and he might understand. He might have been an idiotic fourteen year-old once.

“What are you doing at the door?” The laid back approach he had before has now disappeared and he’s looking at the other houses in the street when he asks his question. He thinks I’m up to no good, like her father will.

“I was going to knock.”

“You looked like you were fiddling with the lock.”

“I’m expected,” I lie. None of her family will back that story up if it comes down to me having to prove it. The Courier knows this.

“Well knock then.”

“Why?” I try to stall, but he knows what I’m doing.

“Because you’re expected.”

“No.” I tell him straight.

“I knew it,” he says. He begins to rub his chin while he thinks what he could do with me. There’s a sound of a door unlocking and Jo’s next door neighbour sticks his head out. I can tell he’s going to be a problem; he looks like he should be in magazines, selling life insurance or stair lifts. Eighty with grey hair and moustache, military look about him, the sort of person who sees nothing but bad news with anyone under the age of thirty.

“What’s going on?” he asks, straining at the neck like a tortoise.

“I’ve come to deliver this parcel and I’ve found this kid acting suspiciously by the front door,” the Courier tells him, instantly creating two against one.

“He was acting suspiciously by the front garden, earlier.”

“How?” I ask, tone a few octaves too high.

He’s outraged I’ve questioned him. “You were stood looking at the house for ten minutes,” he says, stepping out into his garden. He’s dressed in trousers, shirt and tie and a v-neck jumper. I almost expect war medals as well. Unless his house has air conditioning, wearing that outfit in this heat can’t be good for anyone, any age. “I thought you were lost but you were looking to see if anyone was at home.”

“That’s what I thought,” said the Courier, holding his hands out now he’s found someone who agrees with him. He points at me. “But he says he’s expected.”

“You’re expected?” the old man repeats, shaking his head.

“Yes I am.” Throughout all this the panic isn’t fading and I don’t move from the spot. I feel like I’m on trial.

“Who’s expecting you, then?” the old man asks.

“Jo,” I stress. “Jo is expecting me.” I pray this will end it.

“Well, you’ll struggle there I’m afraid,” he informs me. “She went out with her dad, earlier.”

A wave of relief crashes over me; I won’t have to embarrass myself. It’s instantly followed by a tsunami of realisation that I’ll be no closer to getting the girl of my dreams.

“I’m phoning the police.” The Courier takes out his mobile phone.

“Hang on a minute,” I protest, hands flapping about wildly.

“There has been a spate of burglaries around here,” states the old man pointing at me and raising his voice as if he wants the entire street to know. “I knew it was kids. You’ve got some nerve stealing from houses in broad daylight.”

“But I know Jo.”

“From school, that’s probably how you found out the house was empty,” says the Courier, as if he’s just solved a mystery on Scooby-Do. He puts the phone to his ear.  “Yeah, police? I want to report an attempted burglary . . .”

“I’m not a bloody burglar!” I shout.

The old man has shuffled over to the fence in his slippers, getting very excited at the prospect of me being arrested for something I haven’t done.

“I’ll tell you what we’ll do,” he says to me. “Margo saw someone the other day in Mrs Higginbotham’s garden; she’ll be able to say whether it was you or not, won’t she?”

“What number’s this house?” the Courier asks the old man. He still doesn’t know if he’s at the right address.

“Fourteen, Hamble Drive.”

The Courier looks at me as if to say you should have just accepted the parcel. The old man is already making his way across the road to the adjacent house where, I assume, Margo lives. He knocks on the door and an old lady, about his age, greets him. They spend a few minutes having a hushed conversation. The Courier hangs the phone up and stares over at the old couple talking.

“The police will be here soon,” he says to me.

“I’ll just head off home.” I begin to make my way out of the garden but the Courier blocks my way.

“Too late, mate. You can’t sneak your way out of this.”

The old man has obviously asked Margo but she’s struggling because she’s pointing at a tree. He moves her arm in my direction and she nods wildly. What can only be described as a sprint for an eighty year-old brings him back across the road, shaking with either excitement or illness, hard to say which.

“She says it’s him,” he says. “She’s a hundred percent sure. She says you were trying to get into Mrs Higginbotham’s shed. Probably trying to steal her lawn mower and sell it for drugs.”

“I’m not on drugs,” I protest. The Courier laughs; at least someone is finding humour in all this.

“You all are,” says the old man. “You probably have a knife, as well.”

“You could put any kid in this spot and that old woman would say that’s who she saw in the garden.”

I’ve horrified the old man. “Are you calling Margo a liar?”

“I think he is,” says the Courier, enjoying himself until the police arrive.

It’s not long before I can hear a car and judging by the curtain twitching from every house on the street I know it’s the police without having to look around. It’s just my luck to get a policeman eager to break the world record for the fastest response to crime in progress. I’m sure the Courier has phoned him directly.

All I wanted to do was ask Jo out. Why is everything I ever do marred by unrelenting problems? Nothing ever seems to go right for me. Will this continue into my late teens, early twenties?

The police car pulls up in front of the Courier’s van and I can see eager heads bobbing about in gardens down the street. A father has even put his child on his shoulders to watch the teenager get arrested; they’ll probably start chanting for me to be tasered. I’m going to be arrested for a crime I didn’t commit. Maybe Jo will hear about this in school on Monday and she’ll rush to see me in court before I’m sentenced? Maybe not.

The policeman unfolds himself from the car and begins to walk his six foot six frame over to Jo’s garden. He’s the same age as the Courier and looks like he’d be better suited to smashing down the doors of suspected drug dealers, or chasing rioters with a shield and bat. The Courier has left his post hoping to meet the policeman and give his version of events before I get the chance. The old man also has his back to me, but that doesn’t stop him pointing at me.

I decide, against better judgement, to make a run for it.

It’s difficult to know who shouted first, the old man, the Courier or the policeman. As I jump the front gate I can hear all three at once; and as I frantically run in the direction that has the least spectators, I realise that the Courier and the policeman are giving chase. Whatever story the Courier told him must have done the job because the look on the policeman’s face tells me I’m in deep trouble if he catches me. I’ve never been a keen runner but I have found that when pushed it can change.

I look on this whole episode as an argument for why we need email and social networking sites rather than face to face communication. I know all this could’ve been avoided by simply sending a text message to her, but I thought maybe knocking on her door might add to the romance. I’m still thinking about this as I take the next turn off the street.

And a car hits me.

Or maybe I hit the car, both seem plausible as the car was going under the speed limit and I was trying to break the speed limit when we connected.

There’s a scream and I glance up to see a man, early forties, his face as white as chalk sat behind the wheel and doing his best to comprehend that he’s just hit a child with his car. I’m surprised to see Jo in the passenger seat, hands over her mouth in shock. I smile at her as I slowly begin to slide off the bonnet and onto the road.

The Courier and the policeman have caught me up and are trying to help me. I try to count how many organs have ruptured being careful not to confuse winding with internal haemorrhaging but the way this morning is going I wouldn’t rule out a slow and painful death.

Jo climbs out of the car and kneels down beside me; she is crying and gathers my head (still attached to my body) in her arms. She’s been riding horses, there’s a strong smell of manure. Her long blonde hair falls across her face and she looks gorgeous, if a little puffy eyed. She strokes my forehead and tells me it will be alright, and that I’m not to worry.

 

Her dad hitting me meant not only was there no objection to me taking Jo out on a date but I also got to pick the film. She still flatly denies there was any cryingor head holding, she claims she stayed in the car until the ambulance arrived.