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A Critical Essay on Condomnairing by Chiedozie Ude.

Condoms, however basic and insignificant they may appear, are highly important when it comes to avoiding pregnancy and other sexual-related infections. Buying and using condoms may be quite tricky due to several factors. It is not uncommon for many a guy who wants to buy condoms to whisper silently to the seller because the buyer does not want other customers in the shop to view him with reproach. Well, if you are scared of buying condoms or you do not know how to properly wear one, this essay is for you.

Firstly, if you are underaged or if you are well known for decency, you might not want to buy condoms from a vendor that is in your area in order not to spoil your reputation. You never know, words may reach your parents or pastor. Now, that will make a juicy scandal. So, the solution to the fear or shame of buying condoms can be solved if you buy it from a place where you are not known. Better still, buy it from an aboki (trust me, these abokis sell everything sellable — that is, they are the true definition of a Jack of all trades) because an aboki will sell to you without asking questions. Do not ask me how I know this.

Having bought the condoms (I used the plural form because I do not think anyone will buy one, and rightly so.), the next issue will be how to keep them away from the wrong eyes. The wrong eyes include: younger siblings (Trust me, your younger ones cannot keep a secret to save their lives.); your parents (especially your mother); and your nosy elderly female neighbours who serve as CCTV for your mother etc. Rest assured that you are safe if you can avoid the set of people mentioned. Being caught by your parents, guardian or mentor is not ideal. Imagine how they will squeeze their faces, expressing their disgust in no uncertain terms, forgetting that they were once teenagers or youth who embarked on a plethora of erotic adventures. Trust me, African parents do not understand the concept of safe sex because total abstinence is their style. Therefore, do not be deceived by thinking they will understand why you keep condoms because they will never even try to understand; so, below are the ways to avoid being caught with the wonderful rubber:
1. Hide the goods in one of the hidden pockets of a standard wallet and never you let your wallet enter the hands of any of those classified as the wrong eyes.
2. Place the goods in an empty Milo container “pangolo” and bury it while facing the west. To be certain that you do it properly, do it while the sun is about to sink into its vest (Permit my floweriness, I mean sunset.). The essence of doing this is because burying a condom is a sacred festival that must be done with a mountain of sacredness.
3. Simply buy the condoms whenever you are about to use them. No need to keep incriminating evidence of your fornicating habit for your beloved and righteous parents to find.

No matter the precautions one may take, one may still be exposed. Little wonder the Pidgin English proverb states thus: “When breeze blow, fowl nyash go open.” Should you ever be caught with the contraband, here is a list of what you should do:
1. Admit to your parents that you are a “fuckaholic” so that they can conduct deliverance service for you. However, if your mother is a Yoruba woman who possesses the immanent or God-given ability to shape destinies with her resounding slaps, you may not apply this method. Do not say I did not warn you.
2. This rule is a tried and tested rule because it works every time. Whenever you are caught, just act casually by saying in an offhand manner that you attended a seminar on sex education and you were given condoms as souvenirs. After you say this, shake your head and say: “Silly me, I forgot to throw that shit out.” Then, you whistle loudly as you go out to discard the material. To appear more real — that is, to make them know it was an honest mistake — take out the trash can and empty it because doing this will remind your parents of how responsible you are. Applying this will save you from answering a lot of questions.

The previous paragraphs have dealt with the issues of buying and hiding condoms, and also the issue of escaping a scolding or a righteous sermon when you are caught with the goods-you-should-not-possess. Having learnt these, the next step will be to guide you on how to properly wear a condom. This stage is the most critical because if it is not done properly, you may end up becoming a father in the next nine months. As a student, you would not want that or would you? So, below are the things that should be done in order to ensure you are not violating the sacrosanct rules of condomnairing:
1. Do not wear the condom on your joystick the way you force your skinny jeans into your yam legs. Doing this may get it broken. Remember, you have to treat a condom with utmost respect and care — the kind of care you will give to a fragile baby.
2. Blow little air into it, place it on your Iroko tree and gently roll it towards your sack of coconuts (Pardon my use of euphemisms, my righteousness does not give room for sexual explicitness.).
3. Rule three is very important because it is where legends stand out. You may know how to wear a condom but are you a condomnairing legend? Read on to find out. Always leave a paragraph at the beginning of your Jack hammer when you put on a condom. This paragraph is important because it is going to store whatever you bring out during copulation. Remember, what separates the best from the rest is simply paragraphing.

In conclusion, you now know where you stand as a guy or where your boyfriends stand for the girls. Some of them are condomnairing legends while the rest need to up their game. Finally, it is believed that the unconventional methods suggested in this article will go a long way in ensuring that boys become legends.

EROTIC ROMANCE: IN FRANCE WITH THOMAS by Eatsmeow | GBAMLOG.COM


She didn’t know why she was doing this, but she like it. It was exciting walking up those steps and into his apartment. Never would she think her trip would lead her to this- to Thomas.

All it took was just those first few words, “bonjour mon cheri,” and she wanted him. Hard inside her. And her lack of any finesse in his native tongue didn’t seem to deter him. Bumping into him in the cafe turned into lunch with a stranger, to whispering nothings in the corner of a booth, to going to his apartment a few blocks away.

Soon enough she found herself in his room, the two of them looking each other over. “Deshabiller,” he said softly. She wasn’t sure what that meant until he hands reached up to the top button of his own shirt.

She pulled her shirt over her head, and then let her skirt fall to the floor. He was down to just underwear when she undid her bra and let it drop. His eyes went back and forth between each full breast. Her nipples hardened under his gaze and she wondered if he noticed.

He pulled his underwear off and she took in the sight of his cock. He was hard but not yet fully erect. She had never been with a man before and he looked larger than she imagined a real cock might be. But it excited her and made that feeling of wanting to feel him inside her stronger.

She reached her fingers under the band of her thong and gently started to pull down. He grabbed her by the wrist, “non.” He pulled her in close and kissed her, one arm around the small of her waist, the other extending a hand to her ass. She wrapped her arms around his neck and opened her mouth to him.

Keeping her close he walked her over to the bed and with one final kiss pushed her down. He climbed up her body, kissing all her curves along the way, until meeting her eyes. “Do you trust me?” Thomas said through a thick accent. “Yes,” she whispered.

He smiled before giving her a love bite on her neck, pacifying the sting with wet kisses when he was done. He gave one of her nipples a small taste before standing up and walking to one of the posts near her head. “Ton poignet,” he said grabbing at her wrist. Thomas cuffed her wrists and hooked her to the bottom loop as she looked at the tall posts on each corner of them bed, all of them having several loops at different heights to hook onto. Then he tied down her legs. He had her bend them completely and then tied her down with them spread wide. “Mmm, vous etes souple,” he said when he was finished.

She could feel how wet her panties were now and wanted him so badly to rip them off her and give her the pleasure she was craving. Instead he spent time on her tits. Massaging, kissing, flicking, sucking. He took his time enjoying her ample breasts and teasing her little pink nipples.

It felt like an eternity before he moved further down, kissing the outside of her panties. She knew she was soaking through the fabric, the feeling of Thomas’ lips only making it worse. And then he started with his tongue.

It didn’t take long before his tongue found it’s way under the fabric. Still he did nothing but tease her. She wanted him to move to her opening, but he spent all his time on the outer lips, licking and sucking, and biting. Her hips were bucking when he finally gave into her, forcing his tongue as far as he could through her slit.

She moaned the moment his tongue entered. Soon he moved to her clit and soon after that she felt her first orgasm over take her body. She could feel her chest flushing. It was difficult to breath. Her nipples hardened with every buck of her hips. And she let out moans and whimpers of ecstasy.

Thomas didn’t stop until his licks made her twitch. He gave her a few moments to catch her breath before testing his power, licking across her clit slowly. She immediately gave out a small whimper and twitch. “Tu es sensible, j’aime ca. Je veux que tu sois plus sensible a mon contact.”

He reached into his bedside drawer pulling out a cock ring with large nub on one end. After pulling it on he laid over her kissing her passionately, slowly pushing a finger inside her. “You are quite tight, I will be as gentle as I can until you adjust. I want you to be a good girl and cum on my cock before I really fuck you.”

With that he sat up and positioned his cock at her entrance, nothing but the thin fabric of her thong blocking him. He slowly pushed at her opening, teasing her until her hips began to buck again, and turned his vibrating cock ring on. Each hand wrapped around the band of her panties and pulled hard ripping her last protection from his throbbing cock.

He was slow pressing the tip in, watching her expression as the innocence of virginity disappeared and was replaced by a look of desire. He kept pushing in slowly until the nub of his cock ring sat against her clit. He held her there firmly as small bucks and moans were replaced by desperate bucking and moaning. It didn’t take long for her to cum not once but twice and finally she was ready to fully receive him.

He started slow pulling almost completely out of her before pressing back in. He picked up the pace until she was on the edge of cumming and then slowed back down. He kept at it until she was begging.

“Please let me cum. Please, I need to cum so bad. I need to cum for you.”

He dismounted long enough to pull off her restraints to move her to the end of the bed. He put her on her knees and spread them wide, her hands bracing the board at the foot of the bed, slightly bending over. A mirror a few feet in front of her gave him full view of her hanging tits and slick pussy as he positioned himself behind her.

This time he entered her quickly and hard. She gasped and then purred as he fucked her roughly. She came just as he moved one hand from her hips to her clit. After finishing on his fingers he took her wetness and coated her ass. The tight hole now being slick he rubbed back and forth sending her into another orgasm as he prodded a finger in shallowly.

He was close now and wanted to cum in her, but the hole he wanted to cum in he could feel was not ready to take him, yet. When he was close he pulled out from her and pressed his cock against her ass. He pressed just hard enough to open take in the tip as he came, wanting so badly to enter her there fully.

After filling her he pulled out slowly after thrusting in a tiny bit more, the two of them panting. He grabbed her neck passionately and kissed her. “I want to do more with you,” he said, “I want to make your pussy mine.” She kissed him again and he had his answer. After a few kisses he pulled away from her and went to pulling something from under his bed. He placed it at the end of the bed beside her.

It was large, shaped like half a barrel, with a silicone cover on the top of it and a large lump at one end. She had no idea what it was. “Straddle it,” he said, and she followed his direction. He moved her hips where he wanted them until her clit was resting tightly again the lump. He grabbed a remote and knelt behind her.

Kissing her neck he pressed the first button and the vibrations started. She let out a quick breath and he turned it up, biting her neck. He moved her through each setting until it was on the highest vibrate. “Je t’aurai sur le balcon plus tard au coucher du soleil,” he whispered in her ear. Then he laid down and watched her hips buck against the machine as she moaned his name- Thomas.