Tag Archives: happiness

A Critical Essay on Condomnairing by Chiedozie Ude.

Condoms, however basic and insignificant they may appear, are highly important when it comes to avoiding pregnancy and other sexual-related infections. Buying and using condoms may be quite tricky due to several factors. It is not uncommon for many a guy who wants to buy condoms to whisper silently to the seller because the buyer does not want other customers in the shop to view him with reproach. Well, if you are scared of buying condoms or you do not know how to properly wear one, this essay is for you.

Firstly, if you are underaged or if you are well known for decency, you might not want to buy condoms from a vendor that is in your area in order not to spoil your reputation. You never know, words may reach your parents or pastor. Now, that will make a juicy scandal. So, the solution to the fear or shame of buying condoms can be solved if you buy it from a place where you are not known. Better still, buy it from an aboki (trust me, these abokis sell everything sellable — that is, they are the true definition of a Jack of all trades) because an aboki will sell to you without asking questions. Do not ask me how I know this.

Having bought the condoms (I used the plural form because I do not think anyone will buy one, and rightly so.), the next issue will be how to keep them away from the wrong eyes. The wrong eyes include: younger siblings (Trust me, your younger ones cannot keep a secret to save their lives.); your parents (especially your mother); and your nosy elderly female neighbours who serve as CCTV for your mother etc. Rest assured that you are safe if you can avoid the set of people mentioned. Being caught by your parents, guardian or mentor is not ideal. Imagine how they will squeeze their faces, expressing their disgust in no uncertain terms, forgetting that they were once teenagers or youth who embarked on a plethora of erotic adventures. Trust me, African parents do not understand the concept of safe sex because total abstinence is their style. Therefore, do not be deceived by thinking they will understand why you keep condoms because they will never even try to understand; so, below are the ways to avoid being caught with the wonderful rubber:
1. Hide the goods in one of the hidden pockets of a standard wallet and never you let your wallet enter the hands of any of those classified as the wrong eyes.
2. Place the goods in an empty Milo container “pangolo” and bury it while facing the west. To be certain that you do it properly, do it while the sun is about to sink into its vest (Permit my floweriness, I mean sunset.). The essence of doing this is because burying a condom is a sacred festival that must be done with a mountain of sacredness.
3. Simply buy the condoms whenever you are about to use them. No need to keep incriminating evidence of your fornicating habit for your beloved and righteous parents to find.

No matter the precautions one may take, one may still be exposed. Little wonder the Pidgin English proverb states thus: “When breeze blow, fowl nyash go open.” Should you ever be caught with the contraband, here is a list of what you should do:
1. Admit to your parents that you are a “fuckaholic” so that they can conduct deliverance service for you. However, if your mother is a Yoruba woman who possesses the immanent or God-given ability to shape destinies with her resounding slaps, you may not apply this method. Do not say I did not warn you.
2. This rule is a tried and tested rule because it works every time. Whenever you are caught, just act casually by saying in an offhand manner that you attended a seminar on sex education and you were given condoms as souvenirs. After you say this, shake your head and say: “Silly me, I forgot to throw that shit out.” Then, you whistle loudly as you go out to discard the material. To appear more real — that is, to make them know it was an honest mistake — take out the trash can and empty it because doing this will remind your parents of how responsible you are. Applying this will save you from answering a lot of questions.

The previous paragraphs have dealt with the issues of buying and hiding condoms, and also the issue of escaping a scolding or a righteous sermon when you are caught with the goods-you-should-not-possess. Having learnt these, the next step will be to guide you on how to properly wear a condom. This stage is the most critical because if it is not done properly, you may end up becoming a father in the next nine months. As a student, you would not want that or would you? So, below are the things that should be done in order to ensure you are not violating the sacrosanct rules of condomnairing:
1. Do not wear the condom on your joystick the way you force your skinny jeans into your yam legs. Doing this may get it broken. Remember, you have to treat a condom with utmost respect and care — the kind of care you will give to a fragile baby.
2. Blow little air into it, place it on your Iroko tree and gently roll it towards your sack of coconuts (Pardon my use of euphemisms, my righteousness does not give room for sexual explicitness.).
3. Rule three is very important because it is where legends stand out. You may know how to wear a condom but are you a condomnairing legend? Read on to find out. Always leave a paragraph at the beginning of your Jack hammer when you put on a condom. This paragraph is important because it is going to store whatever you bring out during copulation. Remember, what separates the best from the rest is simply paragraphing.

In conclusion, you now know where you stand as a guy or where your boyfriends stand for the girls. Some of them are condomnairing legends while the rest need to up their game. Finally, it is believed that the unconventional methods suggested in this article will go a long way in ensuring that boys become legends.

Why Saudi Arabia Is Set To Execute 23 Nigerians (Full List) GBAMLOG.COM

Saudi Arabia

The Saudi Arabia Government has announced that 23 Nigerians are on death roll over drug-related offences.

The Saudi Government made this known in a statement on Saturday.

Naija News understands that the suspects were arrested between 2016 and 2017 at King Abdul-Aziz International Airport, Jeddah, and Prince Muhammad Bin Abdu-Aziz International Airport, Madinah.

The suspects were said to have concealed the narcotic substance in their rectum.

The offence which is punishable by death contravenes Saudi Arabia’s narcotic and psychotropic substances rules.

The latest case is coming a few weeks after Saudi authorities executed Kudirat Afolabi for drug trafficking and Saheed Sobade, another Nigerian, reportedly nabbed with 1,183 grams of cocaine in Jeddah.

See their names below:

Adeniyi Adebayo Zikri

Tunde Ibrahim

Jimoh Idhola Lawal

Lolo Babatunde

Sulaiman Tunde

Idris Adewuumi Adepoju

Abdul Raimi Awela Ajibola

Yusuf Makeen Ajiboye

Adam Idris Abubakar

Saka Zakaria

Biola Lawal

Isa Abubakar Adam

Ibrahim Chiroma

Hafis Amosu

Aliu Muhammad

Funmilayo Omoyemi Bishi

Mistura Yekini

Amina Ajoke Alobi

Kuburat Ibrahim

Alaja Olufunke Alalaoe Abdulqadir

Fawsat Balagun Alabi

Aisha Muhammad Amira

Adebayo Zakariya.

Source: naijanews.com

Why Saudi Arabia Is Set To Execute 23 Nigerians (Full List) GBAMLOG.COM

Saudi Arabia

The Saudi Arabia Government has announced that 23 Nigerians are on death roll over drug-related offences.

The Saudi Government made this known in a statement on Saturday.

Naija News understands that the suspects were arrested between 2016 and 2017 at King Abdul-Aziz International Airport, Jeddah, and Prince Muhammad Bin Abdu-Aziz International Airport, Madinah.

The suspects were said to have concealed the narcotic substance in their rectum.

The offence which is punishable by death contravenes Saudi Arabia’s narcotic and psychotropic substances rules.

The latest case is coming a few weeks after Saudi authorities executed Kudirat Afolabi for drug trafficking and Saheed Sobade, another Nigerian, reportedly nabbed with 1,183 grams of cocaine in Jeddah.

See their names below:

Adeniyi Adebayo Zikri

Tunde Ibrahim

Jimoh Idhola Lawal

Lolo Babatunde

Sulaiman Tunde

Idris Adewuumi Adepoju

Abdul Raimi Awela Ajibola

Yusuf Makeen Ajiboye

Adam Idris Abubakar

Saka Zakaria

Biola Lawal

Isa Abubakar Adam

Ibrahim Chiroma

Hafis Amosu

Aliu Muhammad

Funmilayo Omoyemi Bishi

Mistura Yekini

Amina Ajoke Alobi

Kuburat Ibrahim

Alaja Olufunke Alalaoe Abdulqadir

Fawsat Balagun Alabi

Aisha Muhammad Amira

Adebayo Zakariya.

Source: naijanews.com

Why Saudi Arabia Is Set To Execute 23 Nigerians (Full List) GBAMLOG.COM

Saudi Arabia

The Saudi Arabia Government has announced that 23 Nigerians are on death roll over drug-related offences.

The Saudi Government made this known in a statement on Saturday.

Naija News understands that the suspects were arrested between 2016 and 2017 at King Abdul-Aziz International Airport, Jeddah, and Prince Muhammad Bin Abdu-Aziz International Airport, Madinah.

The suspects were said to have concealed the narcotic substance in their rectum.

The offence which is punishable by death contravenes Saudi Arabia’s narcotic and psychotropic substances rules.

The latest case is coming a few weeks after Saudi authorities executed Kudirat Afolabi for drug trafficking and Saheed Sobade, another Nigerian, reportedly nabbed with 1,183 grams of cocaine in Jeddah.

See their names below:

Adeniyi Adebayo Zikri

Tunde Ibrahim

Jimoh Idhola Lawal

Lolo Babatunde

Sulaiman Tunde

Idris Adewuumi Adepoju

Abdul Raimi Awela Ajibola

Yusuf Makeen Ajiboye

Adam Idris Abubakar

Saka Zakaria

Biola Lawal

Isa Abubakar Adam

Ibrahim Chiroma

Hafis Amosu

Aliu Muhammad

Funmilayo Omoyemi Bishi

Mistura Yekini

Amina Ajoke Alobi

Kuburat Ibrahim

Alaja Olufunke Alalaoe Abdulqadir

Fawsat Balagun Alabi

Aisha Muhammad Amira

Adebayo Zakariya.

Source: naijanews.com

REALITY CLASSIC TALE: LOVE? OR SLAVERY? By Hilary Chikuvira | GBAMLOG.COM


“If you are not going to be a girlfriend and wife, who is submissive, who follows the lead of a husband, then we got to deal with this now, because no wife of mine will rule my house, give me orders or go to a separate church from mine!”, said Tendai fuming, his voice was shaking from anger, l could see he was totally charged up and no longer caring to select his choice of words.
I was also fed up myself, and l retorted angrily, “fine, if you want me to be that kind of a wife and fiancée, then to hell with it, what are we even doing now? Let’s not waste each other’s time anymore. Have a great life”. I slammed his car door nice and hard as l climbed out and walked away into the dark.
So how did things get so messy?
Tendai and I had fallen in love with each other a year ago, he was all l ever wanted in a guy, ‘at first’ and l was his dream girlfriend too. Both of us at the age of 28 just thought this definitely was it. The search for true love was over.
With time there emerged those nitty-gritty human imperfections. Tendai is traditional, old school and reserved on the other hand l am less cultural and a newly emerging activist for feminism and gender equality. He is the type that prefers to not touch alcohol, deems it unclean for his soul, he prefers the traditional kind of music, and he loves spending his days chilled, watching movies or visiting family and friends. It made me look like l was the wild one, so eager to try anything and everything, ready to live, never content with sleeping before 11 pm on a weekend, and definitely never one to repeat the same activities over and over again.
So as expected in such cases, we started getting into each other’s nerves. He began to think l was too independent, l had no respect for tradition and that l could just not make a good wife for him, but this was never said out aloud. I began to find him quite boring, and just not fun to hang with. But none of us could audibly say it out. We had just come a long way to quit because of what we thought to be a few indifferences.
In my culture, men pay lobola to show respect to the bride’s family and say thank you for raising your daughter well. The culture sort of sells women under the guise of culture. Lobola can be 15 cows including other cultural things that a guy must pay up, not to mention that after the lobola the guy must sponsor the white wedding ceremony as well. The bride’s family demands the amount of lobola they want, and the amount can even add up to 15000 us dollars, which is a 2-year saving for a typical middle-class guy who has decided to forgo buying a house, a car, and a decent living style. Lately, families have become overly greedy and are demanding alarming lobola prices. The fathers of the bride use the lobola to buy things like a fancy car or spend the money getting drunk. And in turn the bride has to leave her family, her religion, her lifestyle, her surname and almost everything else important is foregone by the lady as she follows her husband. It becomes the duty of the wife to clean, cook, take care of the husband and kids, as well as to get formerly employed somewhere and contribute to the new family income. If lobola was truly a cultural way of appreciating a partner l do not see why both partners cannot give lobola to the spouse’s family, or why a guy cannot give out what he has, but instead must toil for years to get to afford a wife.
And as you can imagine, l being a feminist, who realizes there is something seriously wrong with this culture from as early as 11 was totally ready to rebel. And certainly not prepared to be sold off, so l tried reasoning with the love of my life.
We were sitting in Tendai’s car, he was preparing to drive me home, after we had spent the day in the park, doing what we usually do, ‘Chilling’ in the relaxed way he likes. And poor I got bored; there was nothing new to say, no interesting conversation about the latest movie, or the hit song on the market. Just family talk about how we would chill like this, during the weekends once we were married.
Sol blurted out, “Tendi, love brought us together, l love you dearly, but there are a few things we should change love. For starts l would love to keep going to my church, l like it there, and l would love for you to take care of your siblings, but the family culture of a newly wedded couple living under the same roof with family relatives just takes the vibe off honeymoon phase, we can always share, but l prefer staying with you only and my kids, unless we really have to take in someone in need. Can we do that?
Tendai’s eyes grew big, as if they were gonna pop out of their sockets, all he could mutter was “whaaaaat?” Since l had kept this buried for so long in my heart, l thought, ah why not just let it all out, after all, he is my boyfriend, he is bound to see things more from my perspective if l explain well.
“Yes Tendai, l think women’s positions in the house are a bit unfair too, for instance a man gets to come back from work, sits at home, and watches tv whilst the lady who has also come back from a long day at work, breaks her back to cook, wash and do dishes as well as take care of the kids. It sounds more like slavery rather than marriage. I hope when we are married we can share tasks according to everyone’s capabilities, it would make married life easier for me love”.
Tendai looked at me long and hard, with clear bewilderment in his eyes. “Love a woman should be a woman, know your place, and know that it will always be behind me, your boyfriend and future husband, l will be the head of the family, l will make the final decisions, you will be my wife, what is the purpose of a wife? Is it not taking care of the husband? Talk to your mother, talk to your church elders, talk to anyone and they will tell you the same! The husband leads, the wife follows. Equal rights are there, but just not on this!” He ended, fuming with fury.
I guess in his mind he was thinking, oh this gal, what nonsense is this, women are women, and they should remain women. That was the moment when l finally opened up my eyes to the truth l had refused to see all the time; nothing was going to change in this relationship. Not me and certainly not Tendai. It was my purpose to actively campaign for women’s rights. So l took my leave from the car that had become stuffy and tension-filled from the heated argument.
This is the issue that has brought about the end of our so-called love to where we are right now, bitterness, regrets, anger, and anger.
We both think we are right; we both want the other to see how they are the ones who are wrong. And above all, no one wants to compromise.
I take a taxi, and head home, with deep sorrow inside of me, hoping someday, the society will see life in the eyes of a woman because for now, life is just far from being fair where men and women are concerned. I don’t blame Tendai though; he was born in this world, where culture and tradition plays a major role in people’s lives, even if the culture clearly weakens another party and gives the other all the power. It’s the way it is, and everyone has a choice, to do away with the bad culture, or keep it alive and running for the next generation to copy.
But l know my stand on point.

Religious Extremism: Islam Is A Religion Of Love by Chiedozie Ude

Chapter one

Abdul Dan-Ali was a devout muslim who had sworn to do whatever his religion dictated. He, alongside the Al-Khan Muslim Brotherhood, was determined to stop the westernisation of Kano State, and Nigeria in general. The last man to really tackle the immorality brought by the west and other religions into the region was the great Usman Dan-Fodio, the man who led the great Jihad in Northern Nigeria. ‘Those were the days,’ mused Abdul Dan-Ali, as he scratched the little rashes hiding underneath his full beards with his left hand while adjusting the locally woven mat he was seated on with his right hand, trapping a beetle crawling on the mat in the process.

Abdul Dan-Ali was quite sure that he saw the likeness of Usman Dan-Fodio whenever he looked at the man in the mirror. He was certain that Usman Dan-Fodio must have been as handsome and smart as he is. He smiled, as he allowed himself few minutes of vanity. He liked to think that if he were like the infidels, he would have had as much girlfriends as he wanted.

He was sure that he would be the man to instigate an Islamic revival in Nigeria, if death was the price to be paid, Abdul was willing to pay because the preaching of Imam Sodiq Mustapha, the cleric of the Al-Khan Muslim Brotherhood, on the benefits of dying for the cause sounded too right to be wrong. According to Imam Sodiq, ‘infidels have to be killed because they pollute the environment with their presence,’ and Abdul Dan-Ali was ready to answer the clarion call.

‘The infidels are not only those who do not worship the Almighty Allah but also those muslims who are hypocritical about the ways of Islam,’ Abdul Dan-Ali recalled, for this very words were spoken by the holy cleric Sodiq Mustapha.
Abdul Dan-Ali agreed wholeheartedly with the cleric, he believed that faltering muslims were bad eggs, and they should never be allowed in the midst of the real muslims.

Despite his conviction of the worthiness of the cause, Abdul could not help having his doubts about Imam Sodiq. The cleric was a charismatic leader, but sometimes, he made rash decisions. His latest decision was to send a message to Nigerians, to make them know that the Al-Khan Brotherhood was for real. He needed a sacrificial lamb for the suicide attack he was concocting. This attack would shake Nigeria to its core. The cleric had bestowed the honour of being the sacrificial lamb on Abdul Dan-Ali, and he felt the great fear of a looming death overwhelm him. He felt a bit cheated at first. ‘Why must it be me?’ He wondered, as he gazed into eyes of other members of the brotherhood, wondering if they felt relief or disappointment at not being chosen. He was sure that he saw Suleiman Bala, the newest member smile in relief. ‘The bloody coward!’

He wanted to question the cleric’s choice, but then, he remembered that dying for his faith was a huge privilege, and he was indeed lucky to have been chosen to carry out this holy task. He grew red with shame for ever having doubts about the whole thing, for after all, he had more than half a dozen virgins awaiting him in paradise. He allowed himself think of all the fun he would have with them, he would hit them hard just like he and his cronies did to every girl who was captured by them. It was so pleasurable to hear their screams of pain mingled with the moans of pleasure the girls always tried to mask. As usual, they would beg their rapists to stop, but yet, they were always very wet in their thighs, and most times, they moved to match their rapists’ thrusts. Abdul Dan-Ali was certain that they enjoyed being raped because most of them experienced powerful orgasms, and their wet thighs was the only proof he needed. Thinking of this made him quite hard as he made up his mind to handle Sarah, one of the girls captured by the brotherhood before nightfall. That same infidel who refused to renounce her christian faith.

Above raping the infidel girls, he enjoyed slitting their throats with his rusty old dagger, just like the way the decadent Christians do to their chickens every Christmas.’The slower their deaths, the better,’ he thought, as he tried to withhold the maniac like laughter that was threatening to emit from his throat.

He squashed the beetle slowly and smiled with insane pleasure as it danced the dance of death. It was time to make the infidels suffer. It was time to make Kano burn.

Watch out for chapter two!!!