This sinking feeling floats up again,
When I see you walking by,
I have shut my eyes and covered my ears,
But, everything that comes was just about your shadow and your voice,
And they were felt so real…
Even I can’t prevent myself to approach you,
Just want to be near you,
But, getting closer we are,
This scary I feel is getting bigger too…
I’m afraid when I already stand one step behind,
Then suddenly you feel weird, and then you walk away,
Intan was on the canteen at the break time. She was about to buy some meal for herself. The canteen was full of hungry students, and Intan was lucky to get the closest place to take her meal and pay for it.
“Give me the change Miss, please,” Intan shouted as the effort to get the change of her money. The canteen was so noisy, so Intan must shout aloud.
“Excuse me,” suddenly a voice came beside her. “Can you give me the plastic, please?”
Without looking at the person, Intan quickly snatched the plastic bags — which were located a few centimeters away from her hand, pulled out one, and gave it to the person. But, as she turned around to give the plastic bag, suddenly she was frozen.
“Thank you,” said the person.
Intan was so nervous. But, to make everything alright, she kept herself in normal mode. “You’re welcome.”
Intan quickly turned around to avoid the face of the person she just met. It was Fajri, a boy from the next class. Intan had a crush on him since a month ago, and she didn’t want Fajri to know her feeling toward him. Even there was nobody who knew about her feeling toward Fajri. He already had a girlfriend. That was why she never talks more with him.
Quietly Intan enjoyed that moment. She hoped the canteen keeper would take longer to give her the change, so she could enjoy the moment longer too. But, God didn’t grant her wish. The canteen keeper came soon after the moment she gave the plastic bag.
“Your change, girl,” said the canteen keeper.
Heavily Intan accepted the change. “Thank you.”
And heavily she left her place before. She weakly tried to walk against the sea of hungry students which was filling up the canteen.
Finally she could set herself free from the canteen. Slowly she walked toward her classroom. With a bit joy and so much sorrow she entered her class. She thanked but she cursed the day, too. Her feeling was unneat after she met her crush, Fajri.
Actually Intan wanted to forget her feeling toward him. Even she already tried the easiest way to forget him. But, it was never a success. She knew, since Fajri already had a girlfriend, she must throw away her feeling and walk normally. But, she couldn’t. Even, sadly, she always thought about him, took a look at him everywhere he was, listened to any news about him, and went to the places Fajri always visits in. And she realized how stupid she was.
With weary steps, I’m walking to reach you
I hope that you can see this feeling
(Which was torturing me for this far)
And you can set me free
But, this scary feeling keeps the control of me
Though I have been walking for a hundred miles,
When I’m closer with you, just a few steps behind,
I hide myself (again)
I’m afraid, and still afraid
You’ll feel weird, and you’ll walk away
And I’ll get nothing instead of hurt
And I know it’s more hurtful than this…
“Go to the library with me, please….”
“Aish…” Intan moaned, bothered. “But I don’t want to!”
“Oh Intan, please…” Nana, trying her best effort, kept persuading Intan. “You won’t let your best friend go away alone, right?”
“Nana,” Intan tried to speak up her reason.
“Oh please,” Nana didn’t stop persuading.
Intan exhaled heavily. She couldn’t stop wondering why she never wins herself from arguing with Nana, her bench mate.
“Well, then,” Intan answered. “I’ll go!”
Nana jumped and yelled in joy. “Hurray! We’ll go together! Hurray!”
Intan just hid her face. Quietly she felt embarrassed having a childish bench mate as Nana did. But, since just Nana could accept the quiet Intan as her bench mate, Intan could do nothing to win, even once.
“I’ll search for books the librarians recently bought,” said Nana while she pulled Intan up. “They must be great!”
Intan just smiled as the answer. She let Nana pull her hand and drag her to the library.
Actually Intan had a reason why she didn’t want to go to the library. She knew much about that place. She knew who the person who visits the library diligently was and often each week. And she tried to avoid that person. But, there was always a reason which made her unable to do her mission.
Finally she could see the library door. Her heart beat so fast. She indeed wanted to go away from that place. But, she had less power than Nana’s. Nana kept dragging her strongly as she pulled out her most naughty cow from the cage.
Well then, dramatically Intan entered the library. She was trying her best effort to not make any noise so there would not be any whispers talking about them. She quietly looked around to find that person. And, her prediction was right. That person was standing across the bookshelf where she stood accompanying Nana searching for her book.
Intan was slowly taking her breath. Even she was gasping. She was so nervous to stand right across that person in the other side of the bookshelf. He was busying himself by searching for his book. She thought and thought what she should do. But, instantly her mind reminded her about something.
“No, Intan! No!” her heart spoke. “You don’t have the right to do that! He’s owned, remember?”
Intan exhaled heavily, then without taking care about Nana, she got out of the library with so much sorrow in her heart. Once again, she must meet her sad reality; she couldn’t get closer with Fajri, whenever.
I’m such a fool girl,
Who chooses to hide her self
Than speak up facing everything
Love is a kinda trouble,
And needs more effort to be discovered
I know, and I see I must do something
So I can set this love free
But, I can’t do that thing
I just need to be closer with you,
But, I don’t know what’s going on…
Every time I get closer,
Those spooky steal my breath
And I can feel I’m gonna dying…
“Intan! Why do you leave me?” Nana shouted after they were back from the library.
Intan just stayed in silence. Her face was pale. Meeting coincidentally with Fajri was a big quake for her day.
“Intan?” Nana asked softly, feeling worried. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, dear…” said Intan softly with a thin smile.
“Don’t worry about me, Nana dear…” cut Intan. “I’m just getting a syndrome…”
“Oh Intan…” Nana spoke, feeling sorry. “I’m sorry; I don’t know that you’re unwell…”
“No problem,” said Intan. “I’m okay. I’m okay.”
It was a lie. It was a big lie. She wasn’t okay at all. She felt so much pain. She still felt the big crush she got when she was in the library. Her heart and her brain were included in a war, an invisible war. Her heart forced her to get closer with Fajri, but her brain forced her to be away from him. It was such a dilemma for her. She knew she loved Fajri, but a condition made her feeling hard to be closer with him — which was a call from her soul.
Intan once again exhaled heavily. She thought, ‘Should I make Fajri know about this pain? I can’t help myself. He’s the one who can heal me! I must do something! But, how?! I find no way…’
I need somebody to stop this craziness,
And I know no one could come instead of you
But, I have no voice left in my throat
Meanwhile you’re so far away…
And you’re not aware of me at all
I just can hope a miracle will turn you backward
And you’ll see me
Crying with my bruised feet
With all of my hands spread out…
Intan closed her journal. She wept her tears from her cheeks. She looked at the ceiling of her room. She exhaled heavily; she never knew when this pain would reach its limit time. She would never know, and she had accepted her fate to be pained. As she wouldn’t die because of it, she could bear with it. She knew she would love Fajri for an unlimited time, and getting hurt wouldn’t make her die.
“For the conclusion,” Intan spoke while she stared at her journal, “I’ll always love Fajri, no matter whatever happens.”
Intan smiled at her journal. Quickly she ran into her fantasy, where she could see her shadow running freely on the green grass while chasing for her sweetheart, Fajri, who was running away from her with a great laugh and joy.