Tag Archives: heartbreak

A Critical Essay on Condomnairing by Chiedozie Ude.

Condoms, however basic and insignificant they may appear, are highly important when it comes to avoiding pregnancy and other sexual-related infections. Buying and using condoms may be quite tricky due to several factors. It is not uncommon for many a guy who wants to buy condoms to whisper silently to the seller because the buyer does not want other customers in the shop to view him with reproach. Well, if you are scared of buying condoms or you do not know how to properly wear one, this essay is for you.

Firstly, if you are underaged or if you are well known for decency, you might not want to buy condoms from a vendor that is in your area in order not to spoil your reputation. You never know, words may reach your parents or pastor. Now, that will make a juicy scandal. So, the solution to the fear or shame of buying condoms can be solved if you buy it from a place where you are not known. Better still, buy it from an aboki (trust me, these abokis sell everything sellable — that is, they are the true definition of a Jack of all trades) because an aboki will sell to you without asking questions. Do not ask me how I know this.

Having bought the condoms (I used the plural form because I do not think anyone will buy one, and rightly so.), the next issue will be how to keep them away from the wrong eyes. The wrong eyes include: younger siblings (Trust me, your younger ones cannot keep a secret to save their lives.); your parents (especially your mother); and your nosy elderly female neighbours who serve as CCTV for your mother etc. Rest assured that you are safe if you can avoid the set of people mentioned. Being caught by your parents, guardian or mentor is not ideal. Imagine how they will squeeze their faces, expressing their disgust in no uncertain terms, forgetting that they were once teenagers or youth who embarked on a plethora of erotic adventures. Trust me, African parents do not understand the concept of safe sex because total abstinence is their style. Therefore, do not be deceived by thinking they will understand why you keep condoms because they will never even try to understand; so, below are the ways to avoid being caught with the wonderful rubber:
1. Hide the goods in one of the hidden pockets of a standard wallet and never you let your wallet enter the hands of any of those classified as the wrong eyes.
2. Place the goods in an empty Milo container “pangolo” and bury it while facing the west. To be certain that you do it properly, do it while the sun is about to sink into its vest (Permit my floweriness, I mean sunset.). The essence of doing this is because burying a condom is a sacred festival that must be done with a mountain of sacredness.
3. Simply buy the condoms whenever you are about to use them. No need to keep incriminating evidence of your fornicating habit for your beloved and righteous parents to find.

No matter the precautions one may take, one may still be exposed. Little wonder the Pidgin English proverb states thus: “When breeze blow, fowl nyash go open.” Should you ever be caught with the contraband, here is a list of what you should do:
1. Admit to your parents that you are a “fuckaholic” so that they can conduct deliverance service for you. However, if your mother is a Yoruba woman who possesses the immanent or God-given ability to shape destinies with her resounding slaps, you may not apply this method. Do not say I did not warn you.
2. This rule is a tried and tested rule because it works every time. Whenever you are caught, just act casually by saying in an offhand manner that you attended a seminar on sex education and you were given condoms as souvenirs. After you say this, shake your head and say: “Silly me, I forgot to throw that shit out.” Then, you whistle loudly as you go out to discard the material. To appear more real — that is, to make them know it was an honest mistake — take out the trash can and empty it because doing this will remind your parents of how responsible you are. Applying this will save you from answering a lot of questions.

The previous paragraphs have dealt with the issues of buying and hiding condoms, and also the issue of escaping a scolding or a righteous sermon when you are caught with the goods-you-should-not-possess. Having learnt these, the next step will be to guide you on how to properly wear a condom. This stage is the most critical because if it is not done properly, you may end up becoming a father in the next nine months. As a student, you would not want that or would you? So, below are the things that should be done in order to ensure you are not violating the sacrosanct rules of condomnairing:
1. Do not wear the condom on your joystick the way you force your skinny jeans into your yam legs. Doing this may get it broken. Remember, you have to treat a condom with utmost respect and care — the kind of care you will give to a fragile baby.
2. Blow little air into it, place it on your Iroko tree and gently roll it towards your sack of coconuts (Pardon my use of euphemisms, my righteousness does not give room for sexual explicitness.).
3. Rule three is very important because it is where legends stand out. You may know how to wear a condom but are you a condomnairing legend? Read on to find out. Always leave a paragraph at the beginning of your Jack hammer when you put on a condom. This paragraph is important because it is going to store whatever you bring out during copulation. Remember, what separates the best from the rest is simply paragraphing.

In conclusion, you now know where you stand as a guy or where your boyfriends stand for the girls. Some of them are condomnairing legends while the rest need to up their game. Finally, it is believed that the unconventional methods suggested in this article will go a long way in ensuring that boys become legends.


I stared silently at his picture. Laughter surrounded me as I remembered that I was in public. My focus returned back to the picture and my heart clenched some more. Squeezing my eyes shut, I locked my phone, trying to ignore the ache in my chest – right where the heart was ought to be.

I couldn’t get upset in front of my friends. I couldn’t show them that I was broken and miserable. I needed to put up a good face to save my dignity. So, that was what I did. I smiled and I laughed. And everyone around me smiled and laughed too. The only difference? I was certain that I was the only one who was faking it.

It had been a month since the fight. A month of anger and resentment. A month of hope that maybe, maybe he would text me first this time. Maybe, he realized that he missed me, and would drop everything and just call me. That was all I wanted from him. A call. A text – something that showed me that he still cared. That I meant something to him.

It wasn’t long before I was dropped home by my friend. She knew something was wrong. She could actually feel it. She didn’t question me as she dropped me off. She just smiled.

Once inside my room, I let out a huge sigh and slumped back onto my bed. My phone pinged, signalling that I had a text. With a smile, I opened it, hoping that it would be him. It wasn’t. It was Gavin. Gavin and I had become pretty close since the last month. As much as I hated to admit it, Gavin was my rebound. He kept me sane, plus he helped me get through with it.

A familiar pang set in as I returned to the earlier picture. Scott’s hand was over another girl’s shoulder, their heads touching. I mentally scoffed at their picture. He hated taking pictures. Especially selfies.

I scrolled down, reading the caption as my heart clenched some more.

“When you meet someone new and immediately click. New bestie for life.”

My teeth clenched as I found my throat hitched. I had known that scum for five years and never once did regard me as his bestie. Letting out an annoyed sigh, I angrily double tapped the post before locking my phone.

I rolled to my side, angry tears running down my face. Maybe that was all I needed. A motivation – a force telling me how our friendship just wasn’t going to work out. Maybe this was the end. I will just have to learn to live with it.

Heartbreaking Romance: THE WRONG GIRL by Jewel Chever | GBAMLOG.COM

How can one person take so long in the bathroom? It had been an hour and a half since Sharon had said she would be down in a minute and Matt still was patiently sitting at the kitchen table; stirring the empty teacup that he had already drunk (over an hour ago). Maybe he could get a quick store run in, she probably wouldn’t be out for another hour. He had forgotten to put deodorant on today and he could feel the smell of old gym socks starting to permeate in the air. Grabbing his keys he put his glass in the sink and went towards the front door; right on time, Sharon waltzed in. 

“Okay, I’m ready, told you I would be quick”

Matt pursed his lips, trying to hide the disdain on his face.

Sharon hadn’t changed anything, her hair was still in a bun, her face looked the same, at least to him, and she still was wearing the same creamy peach cashmere sweater that he had bought her a week ago. all together she looked the exact same as she did an hour ago.

“Don’t take this the wrong way…but what did you actually change?” Matt questioned.

“You can’t tell? I put on some of that new lipstick that I bought from the store last week. I was going to go for a cherry look, but I decided on peach. I’m trying to impersonate this look I…..”

He had stopped listening, after last week there was no point in going on with this conversation; no matter what he said Sharon would be right and would argue him down and honestly he was starving and was too hungry to argue.

“Oh you’re right, I see the difference now..so you want to go eat now?”

“You’re such a dear Matt, thanks for waiting on me while I embellished on myself a little”

She skipped down the stairs waiting patiently by the passenger side of the car.

Matt liked Sharon, he really did, she had her good qualities, not even including sex, but her bad qualities outweighed her good ones.

She was too perky, sometimes she was bubbly and happy over nothing at all. She laughed at things that honestly weren’t funny; like the time he took her to his grandfathers funeral and she started laughing when his grandmother started crying in the middle of the service; his mother still wouldn’t talk to him.

She never would open her own car door even when Matt had sprained his arm at work she still waited for him to roll around the car in his wheelchair and open the door for her; which lead to him having to stay in the cast for two more weeks. He had tried to overlook all these things and make it work, he really had, but the more he got to know Sharon the more she grew to annoy him.

He had decided tonight was the night: he was going to break up with her. He decided the safest place would be in public once she had a few drinks in her. So that way if things got too heated he could slip out of the restaurant before she killed him. He already had his escape plan: he either would crawl out the bathroom window or pretend he had a phone call to answer and run to the nearest phone booth and call his mother to come pick him up; all he had to do was make sure he executed the plan.

“Babe, are you okay, you’re awfully quiet?”

Matt kept his eyes peeled to the road, he knew if he looked at her he might chicken out.

“Yeah, just thinking about the kind of wine I’m going to get”

Wine! Why would he say wine she knew he hated wine. What was wrong with him?

“Ooohhh…fancy I didn’t know you were a connoisseur of the art of wine.”

He wasn’t.

“Oh yeah, I’m full of surprises. I’m the wine guy; I’m who everyone calls to know about, y’know, renowned wines and what not.”

“Oh, well look, I wanted to talk to you about something: what do you think about moving in?”

Matt blared the radio listening to some song about a girl’s heart being broken, drowning out Sharon’s words.

He was about to be broken, very broken, maybe even stabbed, the night was full of surprises.

“Sorry I can’t hear you”

There that would buy him some time.

“Honey, calm down, your foods on it’s way, you look like you’re about to jump out your seat”

Matt laughed.

She was right, he was about to jump out his seat, just not for the reason she thought. He had to be ready to dart out at any moment.

“Sorry, I’m just hungry and ready for my food”.

“Did you see their wallpaper when we walked in? its such an ornate pattern, it feels welcoming.

Matt nodded.

He hated the wallpaper. It was grotesque. it reminded him too much of Sharon, loud and annoying.

“I was thinking that maybe we could get a wallpaper like that together you know?”

What did he know? What was she saying? Why couldn’t she just say what she meant? He was already stressed enough, his good polo shirt was now wet with sweat.

“Sure, whatever you want.”

“Really, well, that’s great, I already found a place for us, it has a big balcony…”

Matt nodded. He just had to keep nodding. Where was the waiter, he needed a drink.

Finally, their food arrived and Matt scarfed down his food, the searing hot pain of the hot food sliding down his throat. He sighed when he heard the loud sound of Sharon smackin.g he looked up and saw crumbs on the side of her mouth and she had garlic butter on her cheeks.

“So listen, I was thinking?

Sharon looked up lightly burping and giving him her best toothy smile. he winced, he could still see the broccoli crumbs in her teeth.

“What if we both went on a trip?

“What! Really, where?”

He tightened his collar and looked at the table.

“Well you get in your car, right?”

Sharon nodded.

“And drive straight to your house and stay there and I drive to my house and stay there and we both stay at our own houses and never see each other again.

She furrowed her eyebrows.

“What do you mean?”

“Okay, let me explain this better: you go to your house and move on with your life and get your wallpaper and I move on with my life and we don’t speak, talk or text each other.”

“Are you Kidding ME! You’re breaking up with me?!

“No. . . No, of course not, well wait, no, yeah I am”

“You must be joking?”

“Sharon I’m not. I know you have bad taste in jokes but this isn’t one”.

“You piece of crap, after everything I’ve done for you! I gave you everything! I even let you use my favorite towel.”

“Okay, 1… I bought that towel and 2… We’ve been dating for five months you haven’t done anything for me.”

“Tell me who she is?”

“There is no other girl Sharon, you’re just…honestly you’re just you and I don’t like you.”

This was honestly going better than he thought.


She was crying now, snot stuck on her top lip and her eyes were puffy. He wanted to offer a napkin, but she had hogged them all when she was eating.

“You’re Selfish, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful to my family and loud, I could go on.”

“I’m the most giving person you’ll ever meet!” She screamed.

“Are you crazy! You stole ten dollars out the giving jar at church!” he was yelling now.

“They leave it there for you to take!” She yelled.

“No they don’t, that’s the exact opposite of the point of church.
You never split the check either.”

“You should pay for my food” Sharon whined.

“I wouldn’t have a problem with paying if you weren’t the person eating 98% of the load of food you always order. For god sake, we went to Burger King and you ordered an $80 dollar meal and ate all of the food!”

“I have a high metabolism you jerk!” Sharon said.

He sighed.

“This is why I did this in a public space, I didn’t want to create a scene.”

“You want a scene? I’ll show you a scene. You got the wrong girl pal!”

“Sharon.. Calm down”

“You want me to calm down!” She yelled.

She threw down her plate ripping off the tablecloth and smashing the glasses.

When Matt lifted up his head, he saw the other guests staring at him, scared, there was glass everywhere.

Sharon grabbed the gravy bowl, dumping the slimy goo down his back.

He bit his lip,trying to keep calm.

“Keep the check” Sharon said.

Matt smiled as he saw her walk out. he was free, finally.

Two Days Later.

“Hey Matt, I didn’t know you were packing all that” Sarah said (matt’s co-worker)

He smiled.

“Well, I’ve been working out lately so”

“Matt, can I talk to you for a moment?

Matt looked up as he saw his boss standing in the door of her office.

“Listen Matt, whatever you do in your personal life is fine, but don’t bring it to work”

“Um..I’m sorry Ma’am, but I have no idea what you’re talking about”

She handed him a flyer.

He stared in horror as he saw a naked picture of himself with the caption

“Can you spot it?
Answer: It’s too tiny to spot”.

Matt clenched his jaw and looked up.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am I had no idea about this.

He sat down at his cubicle when he suddenly heard the chirping of his phone.

He looked down and saw a text from Sarah.

“You got the wrong girl, have a blessed