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A Critical Essay on Condomnairing by Chiedozie Ude.

Condoms, however basic and insignificant they may appear, are highly important when it comes to avoiding pregnancy and other sexual-related infections. Buying and using condoms may be quite tricky due to several factors. It is not uncommon for many a guy who wants to buy condoms to whisper silently to the seller because the buyer does not want other customers in the shop to view him with reproach. Well, if you are scared of buying condoms or you do not know how to properly wear one, this essay is for you.

Firstly, if you are underaged or if you are well known for decency, you might not want to buy condoms from a vendor that is in your area in order not to spoil your reputation. You never know, words may reach your parents or pastor. Now, that will make a juicy scandal. So, the solution to the fear or shame of buying condoms can be solved if you buy it from a place where you are not known. Better still, buy it from an aboki (trust me, these abokis sell everything sellable — that is, they are the true definition of a Jack of all trades) because an aboki will sell to you without asking questions. Do not ask me how I know this.

Having bought the condoms (I used the plural form because I do not think anyone will buy one, and rightly so.), the next issue will be how to keep them away from the wrong eyes. The wrong eyes include: younger siblings (Trust me, your younger ones cannot keep a secret to save their lives.); your parents (especially your mother); and your nosy elderly female neighbours who serve as CCTV for your mother etc. Rest assured that you are safe if you can avoid the set of people mentioned. Being caught by your parents, guardian or mentor is not ideal. Imagine how they will squeeze their faces, expressing their disgust in no uncertain terms, forgetting that they were once teenagers or youth who embarked on a plethora of erotic adventures. Trust me, African parents do not understand the concept of safe sex because total abstinence is their style. Therefore, do not be deceived by thinking they will understand why you keep condoms because they will never even try to understand; so, below are the ways to avoid being caught with the wonderful rubber:
1. Hide the goods in one of the hidden pockets of a standard wallet and never you let your wallet enter the hands of any of those classified as the wrong eyes.
2. Place the goods in an empty Milo container “pangolo” and bury it while facing the west. To be certain that you do it properly, do it while the sun is about to sink into its vest (Permit my floweriness, I mean sunset.). The essence of doing this is because burying a condom is a sacred festival that must be done with a mountain of sacredness.
3. Simply buy the condoms whenever you are about to use them. No need to keep incriminating evidence of your fornicating habit for your beloved and righteous parents to find.

No matter the precautions one may take, one may still be exposed. Little wonder the Pidgin English proverb states thus: “When breeze blow, fowl nyash go open.” Should you ever be caught with the contraband, here is a list of what you should do:
1. Admit to your parents that you are a “fuckaholic” so that they can conduct deliverance service for you. However, if your mother is a Yoruba woman who possesses the immanent or God-given ability to shape destinies with her resounding slaps, you may not apply this method. Do not say I did not warn you.
2. This rule is a tried and tested rule because it works every time. Whenever you are caught, just act casually by saying in an offhand manner that you attended a seminar on sex education and you were given condoms as souvenirs. After you say this, shake your head and say: “Silly me, I forgot to throw that shit out.” Then, you whistle loudly as you go out to discard the material. To appear more real — that is, to make them know it was an honest mistake — take out the trash can and empty it because doing this will remind your parents of how responsible you are. Applying this will save you from answering a lot of questions.

The previous paragraphs have dealt with the issues of buying and hiding condoms, and also the issue of escaping a scolding or a righteous sermon when you are caught with the goods-you-should-not-possess. Having learnt these, the next step will be to guide you on how to properly wear a condom. This stage is the most critical because if it is not done properly, you may end up becoming a father in the next nine months. As a student, you would not want that or would you? So, below are the things that should be done in order to ensure you are not violating the sacrosanct rules of condomnairing:
1. Do not wear the condom on your joystick the way you force your skinny jeans into your yam legs. Doing this may get it broken. Remember, you have to treat a condom with utmost respect and care — the kind of care you will give to a fragile baby.
2. Blow little air into it, place it on your Iroko tree and gently roll it towards your sack of coconuts (Pardon my use of euphemisms, my righteousness does not give room for sexual explicitness.).
3. Rule three is very important because it is where legends stand out. You may know how to wear a condom but are you a condomnairing legend? Read on to find out. Always leave a paragraph at the beginning of your Jack hammer when you put on a condom. This paragraph is important because it is going to store whatever you bring out during copulation. Remember, what separates the best from the rest is simply paragraphing.

In conclusion, you now know where you stand as a guy or where your boyfriends stand for the girls. Some of them are condomnairing legends while the rest need to up their game. Finally, it is believed that the unconventional methods suggested in this article will go a long way in ensuring that boys become legends.

ROMANCE FICTION: AN UNFINISHED PROJECT by Kresten Frosman | GBAMLOG.COM

When she suddenly heard the sound of  a car in her driveway, Amanda jumped from her chair at the kitchen table and ran over to the window. Now that’s punctuality, she thought as she leaned forward and saw a large white pickup truck that had stopped in front of her garage. The man she was watching climb out of his truck had told her that he would be there at four forty five and that was almost exactly what the clock on her phone was showing.
As she had been sitting at the table for the last ten minutes or so, sipping on a homemade smoothie, she had almost constantly been keeping her eyes on her phone, and its clock. What kind of mood would he be in when he showed up?, she had been anxiously wondering. Would he be annoyed because she had suggested that he hadn’t finished his job properly?
On the phone that morning he had sounded as happy as Amanda had hoped, but she knew that this could just be his professionalism.
By the look of his face now, as he was walking up the path to her house he didn’t seem to be the least annoyed, Amanda thought. On the contrary, he looked to her to be even more cheerful than he had the day before when he had spent almost the whole day in her garden installing her new water feature.
“Hi again, Warren,” Amanda said as she walked in her bare feet across the garden towards Warren who was already standing next to the fountain. “I’m so sorry I had to call you again, but I just don’t know how to do it myself.” It was a lie – especially the first part. Amanda hoped that she would be able to keep herself from laughing, unaccustomed as she was to lying.
“That’s quite alright,” Warren answered, sounding a little absent-minded as he was looking at the water that was slowly running down the sides of the fountain’s top tier. “I get calls like this all the time, trust me.” He looked at her and gave her a reassuring smile.
Oh, that smile again! Amanda thought as she felt the same tingle down her spine as she had the day before, every time she had seen it.
When a friend of hers had recommended Warren’s business for her water feature Amanda had not expected that the man who would install it would be attracting more of her attention than the fountain itself.

While Warren had been working in her garden the day before it had only been with great difficulty that Amanda had been able to concentrate on her own work at the computer – even with a looming deadline for a graphics project for her most important client. Again and again she had gone to the window in her study to watch how her new fountain was taking shape, and how its installer himself was shaped. She couldn’t decide which one of them was the more impressive work of art.
Several times she had gone out to talk to him, and to study him more closely. The fact that he didn’t have any rings on his fingers had made an equally great impression on her as the warmth in his eyes and the way he smiled.
She had been almost completely heartbroken when he had said goodbye and had left, just as she had come out again to offer him to try one of her smoothies. Unfortunately he had to rush to another appointment, he had told her.
I won’t let it end like this, Amanda had told herself.
“Yeah, I think you’re right,” Warren said, nodding his head. “The water does flow a little too fast, and I agree that it sounds a little noisy.” He put his hand up to his chin, and looked puzzled as he stared at the fountain. “But I’m pretty sure I adjusted the flow correctly yesterday.”
“Maybe it readjusted itself, on its own.” This time Amanda was unable to repress a little chuckle, and she was pleased to see that a small upwards curve appeared on Warren’s mouth as well.
“That’s what happened, I think,” he said turning his face towards her. “It happens all the time! But fortunately it’s an easy problem to fix.” He bent down and removed one of the cobbles on the ground that surrounded the fountain. The day before, just before he had left, he had done the same thing, showing her the electric device hidden under it. “This is where you adjust the flow.”
“Ah, right,” Amanda said, not adding that she remembered it very well. And certainly not mentioning that she had even seen the device on one more occasion after that. “But for all this extra trouble for you, at least let me offer you something to drink. I make great smoothies.”
Warren rose, and gave her a look that even exceeded what she had hoped for. “You know what? I would like that very much.”