Tag Archives: INEC

A Critical Essay on Condomnairing by Chiedozie Ude.

Condoms, however basic and insignificant they may appear, are highly important when it comes to avoiding pregnancy and other sexual-related infections. Buying and using condoms may be quite tricky due to several factors. It is not uncommon for many a guy who wants to buy condoms to whisper silently to the seller because the buyer does not want other customers in the shop to view him with reproach. Well, if you are scared of buying condoms or you do not know how to properly wear one, this essay is for you.

Firstly, if you are underaged or if you are well known for decency, you might not want to buy condoms from a vendor that is in your area in order not to spoil your reputation. You never know, words may reach your parents or pastor. Now, that will make a juicy scandal. So, the solution to the fear or shame of buying condoms can be solved if you buy it from a place where you are not known. Better still, buy it from an aboki (trust me, these abokis sell everything sellable — that is, they are the true definition of a Jack of all trades) because an aboki will sell to you without asking questions. Do not ask me how I know this.

Having bought the condoms (I used the plural form because I do not think anyone will buy one, and rightly so.), the next issue will be how to keep them away from the wrong eyes. The wrong eyes include: younger siblings (Trust me, your younger ones cannot keep a secret to save their lives.); your parents (especially your mother); and your nosy elderly female neighbours who serve as CCTV for your mother etc. Rest assured that you are safe if you can avoid the set of people mentioned. Being caught by your parents, guardian or mentor is not ideal. Imagine how they will squeeze their faces, expressing their disgust in no uncertain terms, forgetting that they were once teenagers or youth who embarked on a plethora of erotic adventures. Trust me, African parents do not understand the concept of safe sex because total abstinence is their style. Therefore, do not be deceived by thinking they will understand why you keep condoms because they will never even try to understand; so, below are the ways to avoid being caught with the wonderful rubber:
1. Hide the goods in one of the hidden pockets of a standard wallet and never you let your wallet enter the hands of any of those classified as the wrong eyes.
2. Place the goods in an empty Milo container “pangolo” and bury it while facing the west. To be certain that you do it properly, do it while the sun is about to sink into its vest (Permit my floweriness, I mean sunset.). The essence of doing this is because burying a condom is a sacred festival that must be done with a mountain of sacredness.
3. Simply buy the condoms whenever you are about to use them. No need to keep incriminating evidence of your fornicating habit for your beloved and righteous parents to find.

No matter the precautions one may take, one may still be exposed. Little wonder the Pidgin English proverb states thus: “When breeze blow, fowl nyash go open.” Should you ever be caught with the contraband, here is a list of what you should do:
1. Admit to your parents that you are a “fuckaholic” so that they can conduct deliverance service for you. However, if your mother is a Yoruba woman who possesses the immanent or God-given ability to shape destinies with her resounding slaps, you may not apply this method. Do not say I did not warn you.
2. This rule is a tried and tested rule because it works every time. Whenever you are caught, just act casually by saying in an offhand manner that you attended a seminar on sex education and you were given condoms as souvenirs. After you say this, shake your head and say: “Silly me, I forgot to throw that shit out.” Then, you whistle loudly as you go out to discard the material. To appear more real — that is, to make them know it was an honest mistake — take out the trash can and empty it because doing this will remind your parents of how responsible you are. Applying this will save you from answering a lot of questions.

The previous paragraphs have dealt with the issues of buying and hiding condoms, and also the issue of escaping a scolding or a righteous sermon when you are caught with the goods-you-should-not-possess. Having learnt these, the next step will be to guide you on how to properly wear a condom. This stage is the most critical because if it is not done properly, you may end up becoming a father in the next nine months. As a student, you would not want that or would you? So, below are the things that should be done in order to ensure you are not violating the sacrosanct rules of condomnairing:
1. Do not wear the condom on your joystick the way you force your skinny jeans into your yam legs. Doing this may get it broken. Remember, you have to treat a condom with utmost respect and care — the kind of care you will give to a fragile baby.
2. Blow little air into it, place it on your Iroko tree and gently roll it towards your sack of coconuts (Pardon my use of euphemisms, my righteousness does not give room for sexual explicitness.).
3. Rule three is very important because it is where legends stand out. You may know how to wear a condom but are you a condomnairing legend? Read on to find out. Always leave a paragraph at the beginning of your Jack hammer when you put on a condom. This paragraph is important because it is going to store whatever you bring out during copulation. Remember, what separates the best from the rest is simply paragraphing.

In conclusion, you now know where you stand as a guy or where your boyfriends stand for the girls. Some of them are condomnairing legends while the rest need to up their game. Finally, it is believed that the unconventional methods suggested in this article will go a long way in ensuring that boys become legends.

To Your Tent O Nigerians! By Chiedozie Ude. GBAMLOG.COM

Need we sacrifice our good men in altars of anarchy?
Need we accept mediocrity from our leaders due to tribal jaundice?
Need we turn a blind eye on events until it affects us?
I am tired.

The problems of Nigeria can be solved by our leaders, if only they could stop thinking through their noses. I have reserved my comments on the political happenings in Nigeria for some time because it has been discovered that nothing we say, as the masses, matters when the half-baked excuses for leaders make their half-baked decisions.

In Nigeria, today, it is Herdsmen; tomorrow, it is Boko Haram; and other times, it is one form of insecurity or the other. Is this the point where everyone takes up arms, since the organizations set up to protect lives have failed woefully? Is this the point where we substitute Buhari for biblical David by yelling to the wind the words “We have no inheritance in Buhari, the man from Daura, to your tents O Nigerians!” ?

Speaking about President Buhari, I say this in no uncertain terms: “Buhari has failed.” He is the most tribalistic ruler we have ever had in Nigeria, and what baffles me about this whole scandal is that his loyalists find out ways to derive a plethora of positives from Buhari’s multiple faux pas. It is not uncommon to hear them giving answers to questions like “Why is Buhari ruling without ministers?” with some tacky reply of this manner “He is doing so because he is still observing the situation, so as not to select the wrong individuals.” Really? If a president has no idea on whom to work with before he gets elected, then, he should probably retire to a farm. It is high time we stopped making excuses for mediocrity.

It is highly appalling that Buhari’s solution to the herdsmen’s menace was to introduce RUGA. On a less volatile day, RUGA is actually not a bad idea, but in the current state of affairs RUGA is not only insensitive, but also, stupid. Will RUGA bring back the lives that have been lost to the herdsmen’s blood lust? Will RUGA console the families of the deceased? Will RUGA replace the millions that have been lost as crop produce by farmers to these individuals? The answer is NO! Instead, the installation of these settlements will be a slap on the faces of those affected by these herdsmen. Why should evil be repaid with amnesty? Why should chronic murderers be allowed to live among peace-loving individuals?

Still talking about Buhari’s penchant for exercising illogical favouritism when dealing with the Fulani elements, one cannot help but notice the discrepancy with which he treated Biafran agitators. For holding peaceful protests, these agitators were subjected to the infamous “Operation Python Dance”. If peaceful agitators can be treated like war criminals, then, killers such as Boko Haram and the herdsmen should not be handled with kids’ gloves. If this is allowed to continue, then, we can be safe to call our military a battalion of bullies.

Writing this piece without suggesting a solution will render it useless. The simple solution to these issues is that the federal government should implement the resolutions arrived at the last National Conference. We should go back to regionalism — that is, a system whereby every tribe shall use its resources to develop itself. No excuses should be made for the north this time because they have always not been ready for things that will make Nigeria better. Was it not Ahmadu Bello that countered Anthony Enahoro’s motion for self-governance in 1953 by declaring that independence should be gotten as soon as “practicable”? Was it not Buhari that reneged on the national decisions made at the last conference? This is not a hate speech, it is simply a case of a Nigerian calling out cases where our leaders committed national suicide.

If the government cannot provide the conditions for peaceful co-existence, I will suggest that every Nigerian should take up arms and defend ourselves.

Lastly, I send my condolences to the family of the late Colonel Kingsley who was brutally murdered by the ruthless Boko Haram. May his soul rest in peace. May good men not die because of the carelessness of our leaders. Amen.