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A Critical Essay on Condomnairing by Chiedozie Ude.

Condoms, however basic and insignificant they may appear, are highly important when it comes to avoiding pregnancy and other sexual-related infections. Buying and using condoms may be quite tricky due to several factors. It is not uncommon for many a guy who wants to buy condoms to whisper silently to the seller because the buyer does not want other customers in the shop to view him with reproach. Well, if you are scared of buying condoms or you do not know how to properly wear one, this essay is for you.

Firstly, if you are underaged or if you are well known for decency, you might not want to buy condoms from a vendor that is in your area in order not to spoil your reputation. You never know, words may reach your parents or pastor. Now, that will make a juicy scandal. So, the solution to the fear or shame of buying condoms can be solved if you buy it from a place where you are not known. Better still, buy it from an aboki (trust me, these abokis sell everything sellable — that is, they are the true definition of a Jack of all trades) because an aboki will sell to you without asking questions. Do not ask me how I know this.

Having bought the condoms (I used the plural form because I do not think anyone will buy one, and rightly so.), the next issue will be how to keep them away from the wrong eyes. The wrong eyes include: younger siblings (Trust me, your younger ones cannot keep a secret to save their lives.); your parents (especially your mother); and your nosy elderly female neighbours who serve as CCTV for your mother etc. Rest assured that you are safe if you can avoid the set of people mentioned. Being caught by your parents, guardian or mentor is not ideal. Imagine how they will squeeze their faces, expressing their disgust in no uncertain terms, forgetting that they were once teenagers or youth who embarked on a plethora of erotic adventures. Trust me, African parents do not understand the concept of safe sex because total abstinence is their style. Therefore, do not be deceived by thinking they will understand why you keep condoms because they will never even try to understand; so, below are the ways to avoid being caught with the wonderful rubber:
1. Hide the goods in one of the hidden pockets of a standard wallet and never you let your wallet enter the hands of any of those classified as the wrong eyes.
2. Place the goods in an empty Milo container “pangolo” and bury it while facing the west. To be certain that you do it properly, do it while the sun is about to sink into its vest (Permit my floweriness, I mean sunset.). The essence of doing this is because burying a condom is a sacred festival that must be done with a mountain of sacredness.
3. Simply buy the condoms whenever you are about to use them. No need to keep incriminating evidence of your fornicating habit for your beloved and righteous parents to find.

No matter the precautions one may take, one may still be exposed. Little wonder the Pidgin English proverb states thus: “When breeze blow, fowl nyash go open.” Should you ever be caught with the contraband, here is a list of what you should do:
1. Admit to your parents that you are a “fuckaholic” so that they can conduct deliverance service for you. However, if your mother is a Yoruba woman who possesses the immanent or God-given ability to shape destinies with her resounding slaps, you may not apply this method. Do not say I did not warn you.
2. This rule is a tried and tested rule because it works every time. Whenever you are caught, just act casually by saying in an offhand manner that you attended a seminar on sex education and you were given condoms as souvenirs. After you say this, shake your head and say: “Silly me, I forgot to throw that shit out.” Then, you whistle loudly as you go out to discard the material. To appear more real — that is, to make them know it was an honest mistake — take out the trash can and empty it because doing this will remind your parents of how responsible you are. Applying this will save you from answering a lot of questions.

The previous paragraphs have dealt with the issues of buying and hiding condoms, and also the issue of escaping a scolding or a righteous sermon when you are caught with the goods-you-should-not-possess. Having learnt these, the next step will be to guide you on how to properly wear a condom. This stage is the most critical because if it is not done properly, you may end up becoming a father in the next nine months. As a student, you would not want that or would you? So, below are the things that should be done in order to ensure you are not violating the sacrosanct rules of condomnairing:
1. Do not wear the condom on your joystick the way you force your skinny jeans into your yam legs. Doing this may get it broken. Remember, you have to treat a condom with utmost respect and care — the kind of care you will give to a fragile baby.
2. Blow little air into it, place it on your Iroko tree and gently roll it towards your sack of coconuts (Pardon my use of euphemisms, my righteousness does not give room for sexual explicitness.).
3. Rule three is very important because it is where legends stand out. You may know how to wear a condom but are you a condomnairing legend? Read on to find out. Always leave a paragraph at the beginning of your Jack hammer when you put on a condom. This paragraph is important because it is going to store whatever you bring out during copulation. Remember, what separates the best from the rest is simply paragraphing.

In conclusion, you now know where you stand as a guy or where your boyfriends stand for the girls. Some of them are condomnairing legends while the rest need to up their game. Finally, it is believed that the unconventional methods suggested in this article will go a long way in ensuring that boys become legends.

Brother Rapist!!

I’m sure you are happy now ba? You are fanning yourself for forcefully taking my virginity away from me right?

You were my big neighbor and everyone in my house calls you brother.
My siblings and I always come here to charge our phones because we don’t have money to buy a generator. We sat down most times to watch zee world. Your girlfriend was always so kind to us and she loved having us around. Brother Rapist, your house was our second home.

You drove us to church and back, you were our personal person. You were just too quiet, everyone loved you. We always whispered to ourselves how lucky your girlfriend was and we liked the fact that she was the only one you brought home. You were soft spoken eh, always in your room and allowed us to enjoy your sitting room till you put off your generator.

So that night, around 7pm when I came to charge my phone as usual, I greeted you, plugged the phone and was about to leave. You asked me to get your phone from the room. I rushed in to get it but when I turned around you were already in the room. Your eyes were filled with fire. I have never seen you like that in my entire life. I handed the phone over to you but you licked your lips and pushed me to the bed. Brother Rapist, I begged you, I cried, I pleaded with you. Your senses had diminished. You forced your way into me, slapped me till there was no more strength left in me.

Even when you noticed I was bleeding, you were not moved. You came, grinned and went to the sitting room. I couldn’t walk for minutes and when I finally did, you gave me my phone and pushed me away. I was bold enough to tell my parents. When I saw my Father carried his machete, I knew you were gone for good. Mum accompanied him as he kept shouting and shouting. At some point, I didn’t hear his voice anymore as he came out of your house later with a cheque in his hand. You bribed him with 300k and my Father asked me to wash up that it wasn’t that bad.

My Parents sold their conscience for 300k!!

I noticed your girlfriend’s attitude towards me changed, you told her I seduced you and wanted to force myself on you? Brother Rapist, I’m sure you are happy now, I am also sure you will have a female child. Brother Rapist, imagine if she’s been raped at the age of 5 or even 10. What am I even saying? You might even rape her yourself. Brother Rapist, you got me pregnant at age 16. I couldn’t abort the child as Doctors said that’s the only child I might ever have as there was a problem with my womb. Brother Rapist, I tried pushing, I pushed and pushed. When the baby came out, he was stone dead!! I couldn’t stand it and I died of shock and pain!!
Brother Rapist, you are walking around freely and nobody can touch you. You ended my ambition of becoming the next TYLER PERRY.

I Trust you are happy now?
Now read it again brother Rapist, imagine if I was your daughter and someone did this to me.. Just pause, sit and imagine!!